True Grip

Arnold Schwarzenegger hands these things out as party favors

I've been considering getting a pair of Hand Grips. I used to have one, but I lost it long ago.

I hopped online to see what I could find. I was surprised by the number of web pages I found with exercise routines for your hands and forearms.

One in particular really cracked me up. The guy started out his page by saying, "Forearms are the only body parts that matter at all!" "Forearms are the coolest!" "I love my forearms!" This guy had a serious love affair with his dangling pre-fingers. I got a little uncomfortable just reading it. It made me want to pull my sleeves down for modesty's sake.

He was so happy about his forearms that he decided to list off "a couple of exercises" you can do to strengthen them. There were 20 items. I'd hate to see his long list.

This thing seriously frightens me

He also listed off 5 or 6 different hand grip exercise tools. One of them looked like a "normal" hand grip but required 300 pounds pressure per square inch to close it. Yikes! He also had one that looked like a converted bear trap. It was a monstrous U-shaped thing that had tension rods and springs and dials all over it. It looked like the machine that killed Rube Goldberg.

As hilariously obsessive as his list was, one thing did stand out to me. In order to prove the value of forearm strength, he suggested that you take 20 pounds off of your "normal" bench-press bar, and try to lift it without tightly gripping the bar.

I have no bench-press equipment. But, as you might recall, I do have those "Perfect Push-up" rotating handles. Hm...

Help! I'm stuck!

I set up the handles and got into position. I loosened my grip as much as I dared and started the process. One hand slipped, and my wrist made an unhealthy "crack" noise. Of course, it was hard to hear it over the screaming. I lay on the floor for a while and cried.

Later, I tried again. I gripped the handles as hard as I could. Something in my forearms went "squidge". Now my fingers won't uncurl.

Stupid forearms.