LOLJeff - Caffeine

One for today;



... and because I wasn't quite happy with the one from last week, I tweaked it a little to make the test easier to read.



Happy Weekend!

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Domino's

Like many, I have not been a fan of Domino's Pizza. Bad Pizza, many icky burpy, that sort of thing.

Well, Domino's has changed their pizza recipe, so I decided to give them another try.

Although it is slightly greasy, I can report that my first impression of the new Domino's pizza is WHOO-HOO YAY WHEE NOM NOM NOM. You can quote me on that.

As an added bonus, the D's in downtown Tulsa appears to now be staffed by actual intelligent friendly people, instead of the sloths and morons who've worked there the past three years. Granted, there were no future NASA engineers behind that counter, but complete sentences containing polysyllabic words were happening regularly. I was stunned.

Their main employee for the past several years has been a woman who so strongly resembles Jabba the Hut that I was always seriously tempted to take a picture for this blog. I'm not even sure she was capable of speech.

I kinda miss the visual oddity. Usually I have to look in a mirror if I want a visual oddity.

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Cheap Date

My wife and I went out to dinner with our pal Scruffy. We had a gift card for the restaurant, so when the ticket came I insisted on picking it up.

"It's my turn to buy for you two," Scruffy claimed.

"Don't worry about it," I said. "With this gift card, you're a real cheap date."

Scruffy's eyes crossed briefly and he shuddered. "What did you say?"

"You're a cheap date!", I happily exclaimed.

My wife started to blush and shrink down into her seat.

Scruffy shook his head sadly and laughed. "I don't think I'm comfortable with this."

"I could say it louder if you think that would help," I volunteered.

"I'll pass."

My wife was glancing around wild-eyed at the other patrons. "I'm not with them," she mouthed to some nearby gawkers.

I'm such an embarrassment.

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Psychoanaly-Nerd

Bear with me. This one's weird, even for me.



Remember Sally Jesse Raphael? I didn't think so. She was a talk show host, predated Jerry Springer somewhat. I never watched her show, but I remember seeing her commercials on the TV all the time. There was this crazy annoying tagline that was sung... "SalEEEEEE... She opens your ey-ah-eyes!"



OK, next subject.



Remember Bryan Adams? He wrote "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You", which was part of the "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves" soundtrack. Every lonely pathetic high school nerd dreamed of singing that song to his pretty girlfriend, if only he actually had a pretty girlfriend and his voice would stop cracking. *ahem*... so I've heard, that is.



Anyway, I kinda liked the song until one day when I heard the Sally Jessie Rock-My-World tagline in my head where the guitar solo lives.



Try it out for yourself. Here's the tune. At the 2:48 mark, sing "SalEEEEEE... She opens your ey-ah-eyes!". It's a perfect fit. It's kinda creepy.







(Sorry, dang thing won't allow embedding... *grumble*)



OK, next subject.



I was in line at Subway last week, and they had one of those Easy-Pop radio stations playing lightly in the background. I wasn't even paying attention to the song that was playing, until I heard myself hum "SalEEEEEEE... She opens your ey-ah-eyes!"



It was the first time I'd heard "Everything I Do" in years. One minute I'm thinking about my impending chicken sammich, the next I've got a middle-aged trashy talk show she-host dancing around in my head. Most distressing. Dang you, Bryan Adams!



I don't know if nonsense like this is a cause of my insanity, or a symptom. It's hard to tell.

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Brain Lapse

A day in the life of a Jeff.

My wife and I were in the kitchen, putting dinner together. She dumped some salad stuff in a bowl for me and asked, "Do you want croûtons?"

I stopped and blinked. "Croûtons," I thought. "Do I know that word?"

My wife stared at me, waiting for my response. "I think I should know what that word means," I said to myself.

I started to wrinkle my brow with the effort of cogitation. My bride tilted her head to one side, wondering what was wrong with me.

"Context," I thought, "That's what I need! What were we discussing? That will give me a clue."

My wife cleared her throat and started to glare.

"Is a croûton animal, vegetable, or mineral?", I wondered.

Many strange moments passed. Then, it hit me. "Yes!", I shouted, desperately wishing I sounded normal. "I would like croûtons, please."

"Did you just forget what croûtons are?"

"Yes. But it was only a quick lapse. No one ever has to know about this."

So, uh... let's just keep this between us, OK? Thanks.

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The Importance of Walking...

From the email archive...

---

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

** Jeff's Favorite! **
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

... and ...

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour, and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

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Shopping

We went to Hobby Lobby a couple of weeks after Christmas. There were still a couple of sad Christmas aisles, mostly barren and lonely.

That's where we saw the Happy Santa Frog:



I can't believe no one bought the Happy Santa Frog for their tree. No one ever gives the Happy Santa Frog any love. You heartless people make the Happy Santa Frog sad.

Then we walked by the greeting cards. Now, I know that this happened because some customer put a card in the wrong spot. Still, I got a big kick out of this:



"Dearest Friend: Get well soon. God's bulldozer needs you."

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