Chippy

Nope, not yet

As is often the case, P-Ziddy and V were discussing my pending untimely demise. They figure it's only a matter of time. Every day I live, I have exceeded their expectations.

It started with P-Ziddy mentioning a nail gun. I said, "Oh, I want a nail gun."

P-Ziddy tried to talk me out of it. "No, no you don't."

"Oh, I think I do!"

Seriously, these things are awesome

Granted, I'd probably only use it once and then it would go in my garage until the end of time. It would sit alongside my belt sander, dremel, and rivet gun.

P-Ziddy expressed skepticism that I'd ever used any such tools. But the fact is, I used the belt sander when I added some shelves to my wife's computer desk, the dremel to shave off some nail points from the neighbor's side of our fence, and the rivet gun once when I couldn't find a hammer.

P-Ziddy chuckled. "Sounds like the lead-in to a joke: Jeff walked out of the house with a ladder, a nail gun and a broom and climbed up onto the roof..."

I concluded the story for him. "Eventually, they found his left boot in a field 4 miles away."

Have you seen my salt shaker?

Inspiration struck V. She said, "I plan on starting the Jeff McClung memorial fund and embezzling enough to live on a small island in the Caribbean."

I thought this might leave a stain on my legacy, but she assured me, "I'll name a tropical drink in your memory."

P-Ziddy suggested a couple of names for the tropical drink. "'Death by Razorblades'? 'Screaming Agony'?"

[insert drum roll here]

V had another name in mind. "I was thinking 'Caffeinated Wood-chipper'."

One more Red Bull and I'm good to go

Wow.

"Caffeinated Wood-chipper". That's the sort of phrase that wins conversations. I honestly think we've finally found a name that's too magnificent for a rock band.

"Caffeinated Wood-chipper". It's perfect. It completely captures the essence of *me*.

I love it.

Read More

Seymore Butts

OoRah's Butt

OoRah wandered over to my cubical and leaned over to look down at me. Feeling a bit like a prairie dog at the zoo, I looked up at him. "Yes?"

"Nothing," he said. "My butt hurts, I'm just stretching my legs."

...and I cannot lie

There were people wandering all around, so I knew I had an audience. I raised my voice a bit to make sure I'd be over-heard. "Oh, excellent. Tell me *more* about your butt!"

OoRah's reply with swift. "No."

We nearly lost Big Dawg. His chair squeaked distressingly while he tried to control his giggles.

Of course, since somebody in the office had been funny, Big Dawg felt the need to try and be funnier. :) He told OoRah, "From you, that was the perfect answer. If it was me, I would have made him tell me to stop!"

I have my doubts about that, but I didn't dare challenge him in case he was right. I'd rather be nebulous on as many "butt" details as possible.

Tense

So, a friend who shall remain nameless posted this as his FaceBook status:

Love me!

"But tension is to be loved when it is like a passing note to a beautiful chord."

I couldn't resist. I replied to his post, simply saying:

"Butt tension?"

Later, when he noticed the reply, he deleted it. I almost think that's funnier than anything he could have said. Lord knows I had about a hundred "gas jokes" lined up and ready to roll, but now you'll all just have to use your imaginations. :)

Read More

Oh Glorious Day

Last Wednesday, I got a bunch of instant messages from P-Ziddy, all one right after another. Note the timestamp... this all happened in the space of one minute. It went a little something like this...

[15:31] P-Ziddy: Oh!
[15:31] P-Ziddy: OH!!!
[15:31] P-Ziddy: It's Winter Wipeout Day!!!
[15:31] P-Ziddy: Wipeout!!!
[15:31] P-Ziddy: ####!
[15:31] P-Ziddy: No
[15:31] P-Ziddy: That's tomorrow
[15:31] P-Ziddy: ####!
[15:31] P-Ziddy: ####! ####! ####!
[15:31] jeff: Indeed.
[15:31] P-Ziddy: And here I thought there was actually a reason for today

Don't you just hate it when you think it's Thursday but it's actually only Wednesday? P-Ziddy feels your pain. Loudly.

By the way, if you're not watching Winter Wipeout you are dead to me.



Just remember... it's on *tomorrow*. :)

Read More

User Description

I know your password. You cannot hide.

One day at work I found myself creating a User Account for OoRah on one of our servers.

For those who have never had the joy, creating a User Account on a Windows computer really isn't all that hard. There's a field for his login name and password, and a few other options. One of the optional fields is "Description". Being the consummate professional I am, I know that the "Description" field provides valuable additional information about the user (in this case, OoRah) and his level of access to the server. It is very important that I be accurate, concise, and fair.

I considered all of this, and then typed "Large, Bulky" into the Description field.

I'm just big-boned

I called OoRah over to my desk so he could type in his password. He saw how I described him and shrugged. "That works for me," he happily said.

I checked the box that said, "User cannot change password." "What?!?", OoRah said in mock outrage. "You mean I can't change my password?"

"If it's any consolation, I'm about to add you to the Administrator's group."

"Whoo-hoo!"

I gave him one last piece of advice. "Just try not to FDisk anything."

OoRah gave me a blank stare. I pretended to be surprised. "Did I just show my age?", I asked.

OoRah's blank stare did not improve. I chuckled and turned away. Let him wonder.

He can Google it if he really wants to know.

Read More

TSO Photoshop Jeff

You might recall the "TSO Poses" that I did a couple of weeks ago. I knew P-Ziddy wouldn't be able to resist Photoshopping them. I was not disappointed.

Click into either of these for a larger version.



I'm on stage! With invisible instruments! And Mojo-Jojo! Sweet.

And then there's this:



If there were four of me, my Christmas light display would be at least this big. Aw Yeah.

Happy Friday!

Read More

Nuts?

Nope.


Nope.

THAT'S IT!

My wife and I were at Mazzio's, sitting near the front. I saw a little boy (couldn't have been more than 4 years old) wander up to the lady behind the counter. He waved to get her attention, and then asked:

"Can I have some Flower Nuts?"

The poor lady behind the counter was visibly stunned. "I don't know what you're talking about."

The little boy persisted. "Where are the Flower Nuts?" He was already starting to sound desperate.

"Do you mean Sunflower Seeds?"

"No... Flower Nuts!"

He looked like he might cry, so the lady grabbed a handful of Sunflower Seeds. "Is this what you need?"

"Yay! Flower Nuts!"

I think Flower Nuts would be an excellent name for a rock n' roll band.

Read More

My New Year's Resolution

Everybody stand on one leg!


Blow something up!


Have some badly pixelated hats!

I have settled on my New Year's Resolution.

Of course, when making a resolution, it's important to be specific with your goals. Naturally, I have decided to ignore this advice and take a swing at "vague".

Therefore, my resolution is...

Never anything less. Always something more.

Just now, I got chills reading that. I'm sure you did too, but hands off! This is *my* New Year's Resolution! Get your own!

More of anything is, by definition, better. More bowls of Cheetos. More brands of deodorant. More bags of lawn clippings. More!

I will be enjoying my year of "something more". I hope you all enjoy your year of "whatever".

Tune in next year for my 2012 Resolution: Never anything less. Always something more. Voyage of the Dawn Treader.

Read More