Wednesday, 20 January 2010
Tuesday, 19 January 2010
My in-laws recently went to see Avatar, and managed to panic everyone they love in the process.Their phone was off, which was a problem for the doctor trying to call. I obviously won't get into details, but he wasn't looking for anything even remotely important. But instead of leaving a message, he tried again. And again. Then he started moving down the "contacts" list. The home phone didn't work, so called my brother-in-law.
"Do you know where your dad is?" What a fun call *that* must have been. Bro-In-Law didn't have time to deal with it, so he called his wife. Sis-In-Law was calm at first, but after more than an hour with no answer, she started to freak out. She called my wife.
She didn't want to panic her, so she tried ease into it. "Soooooooo.... hiiiiiiii..." There was an awkward lengthy pause, followed by an exaggerated and bouncy, "How ya! dooo-in'?" There was another weird pause. "OHMYGOD YOUR PARENTS ARE GONE!!!"My wife tried to calm down Sis-In-Law, then she took over the phone duties.
The movie finally ended an hour or so later, and the in-laws turned their phone back on. They saw missed calls from Doctor, Doctor, Son, D-in-law, Son, D-in-law, D-in-law, D-in-law, D-in-law, Daughter, D-in-law, Daughter, Daughter and Daughter. Just then, my wife called again and finally got through.
"Hi, what's going on?"
"Is something going on?"
"I don't know what's going on so I'm supposed to ask you what's going on."
"I didn't know anything was going on."
"Some doctor said something was going on.""A doctor?!? What's going on?!?"
"That's what *I* need to know! Everybody's been trying to call you! What's going on?"
"Why's everyone calling? Nothing's going on, is it?"
"I don't know!"
"Third base!"
It took quite some time to establish that nothing had actually happened. After all, it was a very eventful "nothing".
Monday, 18 January 2010
You might remember that my grandfather ran over a neighbor's mailbox at Christmas. But wait! There's more.My dad got a replacement mailbox for the neighbor pretty quickly, but it's been snowy and freezing and such for a long dang time. Last week, things cleared off just enough that Dad decided to wander across the street and see what he was up against.
Dad lugged a new mailbox across the street right as Grandpa showed up with ham.
I have to pause here for a second and wonder... do other families get to use sentences like that? Or is it just us?
Anyway, my grandparents are notorious for buying food in bulk. Especially meat. Then Grandpa will pile it all into a giant freezer in the garage. There's no telling what's in that thing. The top layer is usually vaguely safe, but the stuff in the middle strata could have been purchased as far back as the 80's. The lower third of the freezer is so frost-covered that it's impossible to break into without a pickax. There's no telling what kind of stuff is down there... steak, ham, bacon, mammoth, saber-tooth... anything is possible.
Anyway, Grandpa had been digging in that thing and found 5 hams. He was going to donate them to a local food bank, but on the way he decided that Mom and Dad needed one. So, he went in and gave my mom a ham.Grandpa came out at the same time Dad returned. "What are you doin' over there?"
"Well Pop," Dad said. "When you left here after Christmas, you backed over Neighbor's mailbox there. I'm replacing it for him."
Grandpa considered this for a minute. "Huh," he said, clearly unimpressed. "I wondered if I did that."
And then he simply left. He seemed pretty secure in the knowledge that it wasn't his problem.Besides, he had more ham to deliver.
Friday, 15 January 2010
It's Friday! Here's one from the email archive. I'm reposting this from "Anastasia's Corner".
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all you ladies who bake for church events.
Alice was to bake a cake for the her church's Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix, quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.
When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. There was no time to bake another cake. This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of friends.
So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake... She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. The finished product looked perfect.
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter, gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.
Alice was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think?
All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time.
She did not really want to attend because the hostess more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust Old South, and to Alice’s horror, the cake she had baked was presented for dessert!
Alice started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."
God is good.
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all you ladies who bake for church events.
Alice was to bake a cake for the her church's Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix, quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.
When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. There was no time to bake another cake. This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of friends.
So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake... She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. The finished product looked perfect.
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter, gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.
Alice was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think?
All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time.
She did not really want to attend because the hostess more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust Old South, and to Alice’s horror, the cake she had baked was presented for dessert!
Alice started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."
God is good.
Thursday, 14 January 2010
"Hello. This isn't Big Dawg. Sorry to dissapoint. He's not here."
"As a matter of fact, a minute ago when you called, he wasn't here either."
"And I'm pretty sure that two minutes ago when you called, he wasn't here then."
"The minute before that, when you called? He was gone then too."
"Would you like to learn from experience and leave a message, or would you rather just wait a minute and try to call him a fifth time?"
I learned that people don't like to learn from experience. It explains a lot, really.
Wednesday, 13 January 2010
We're getting new fire alarms at work. At first you might think this is a good thing. But take a look at this picture of my desk...
Look at that alarm... it's less than 5 feet from my head. If that alarm ever actually goes off, I will wet the underside of my desk.
Honestly, I don't need a fire alarm. Just show a panicy person the smoke and let them run around screaming for a few minutes. I'll get the message.
Of course, I might choose to mock the alarmist, rather than flee. He'd be shouting "FIRE!", and I'd run along beside him shouting, "EARTH! WIND!".
It's probably best to just let me burn.
Look at that alarm... it's less than 5 feet from my head. If that alarm ever actually goes off, I will wet the underside of my desk.
Honestly, I don't need a fire alarm. Just show a panicy person the smoke and let them run around screaming for a few minutes. I'll get the message.
Of course, I might choose to mock the alarmist, rather than flee. He'd be shouting "FIRE!", and I'd run along beside him shouting, "EARTH! WIND!".
It's probably best to just let me burn.
Tuesday, 12 January 2010
SWoaN came up to me the other day, holding a mug. "You like tea, right?", she asked. Then she showed me her mug.There was a monster in the water.
I literally yelped and jumped backward.
A multi-tentacled BEAST lurked in the murky depths of the mug.
Thus, Jeff was introduced to the concept of "Flowering Tea". It's a type of tea that looks like a fractured nut when dry, and expands out to the basic shape of a Pirates Of The Caribbean sea monster when plunked down in boiling water.
Side Note: "Fractured Nut" is also the National Mental Health Information Center's official classification for me. It's also a kickin' name for a rock n' roll band. It is a multi-purpose descriptive phrase.Anyway, despite appearances the tea smelled lovely. I couldn't sample it, though. There way no way I could bring myself to expose any of my soft fleshy matter to the beast.
I wasn't alone in my fear. SWoaN fished the creature out with a spoon before she drank the tea. The monster, in its anger, bent the spoon.
Say what you will about Lipton, but at least its passive.
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