Pseudo Celeb At The Optometrist

So, I went to the eye doctor last week.

Up first was the young lady behind the counter. She didn't look like anybody famous, but she sounded like one.

" *cough* sorry about mah voice...", she croaked. "allergies..."

"Lady," I said, "You sound like Larry King."

The actual eye doctor reminded me of Doogie Howser because he was younger than me. I'm not old enough to have doctors that are younger than me!

"My eye doctor is a few years younger than me. My primary care doctor starts Jr. High school this year. My dentist is a fetus."

Later, I went to the place next door to pick out new frames for my glasses. Jessica Biel stepped up to the counter to help me.

Of course it wasn't *really* her, but she was close enough for jazz. Honestly, I was a bit star-struck. I reminded myself that near-celebrities are people too, and pledged to act naturally.

"What can I help you with today?", she asked. And she smiled.

"flaaaaaaahh bliilith faah fwaaaaaa."

Sensing an easy sale, she directed me to the most expensive frames they had.

I think I'll look good in these, don't you?

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Late Birthday Gift

I got a late birthday gift. Check it out! Armor All car care gift package whizz-bang!



This is pretty nice... it's got stuff for the auto glass, tires, and of course, washing the car itself.

Or... does it?



Is that... Turtle Wax? In an Armor All gift package?



Why yes. Yes it is.

As best we can figure, the folks responsible for the gift must have opened the package ahead of time to "ooh" and "aah" at the contents. Then there was a mix-up as they re-packaged the goodies. The car wash solution got left out.

That bottle of Turtle Wax is half-empty (or half-full, depending on your outlook).

Half a bottle of Turtle Wax. I think it's my favorite birthday present EVER.

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Total Eclipse Of The Wazzit

This is the "Literal Video Version" of Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse Of The Heart." For those who don't know, the idea is to make the lyrics of the song match what is going on in the video.



I wouldn't normally post a 5 minute video, but trust me this thing is worth it. The first time I watched it I literally cried from laughing so hard. There will be at least two places where you think, "Man, it can't get any funnier than that." And it does.







I know a lot of you regulars have already seen this one. I posted it because I recently got to see it for a second time, and it's still hilarious. Something this good deserves our praise.



Huzzah!, noble video.

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First Rule

I recently listened to the AudioBook version of "Wizard's First Rule", by Terry Goodkind. If you like fantasy novels (wizards, dragons, magic, swordplay, that sort of thing), then you'll probably like this book.

I especially liked the "First Rule" itself. The wizard shouts it during a loud moment in the book. "The Wizard's First Rule is that 'People are stupid!!!' They will believe what they want to believe."

Aw yeah. You have my attention, Mr. Wizard. Well played.

I listened to the AudioBook during my commute to work. One relatively cool morning I rolled slowly through pedestrian-choked downtown streets with my windows down. The volume was up.

My wizard bellowed, "PEOPLE ARE STUPID!!!".

A crowd of pedestrians turned and glared at me. I smiled and waved as I passed by.

Wizards are awesome.

I'm thinking about making that "rule" into my new ring tone. :)

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Bop

Was in a meeting recently with a large group. Cowboy gave WhoLu a compliment and suddenly it turned into a WhoLu love-fest.

"WhoLu did really good work on this project."
"WhoLu is so much better than anyone else in his department."
"When I'm near WhoLu, I am a better person."
"WhoLu smells like Heaven. And chives."
"WhoLu leaves rainbows in his wake, and his eyes sparkle with all of my hopes and dreams."

Cowboy had the final say on the love-in. "I wish we had 5 of WhoLu."

"Well, there's at least two," somebody said. "He looks like one of the guys from Hanson."

I was sitting near WhoLu. I leaned over to him and lovingly mumbled, "Mmmmmmm... bop."

Everyone laughed, but Big Dawg nearly hyperventilated.

Why do I get the feeling he knows the rest of the lyrics, too?

=============

NOTE: This is my 1,000th blog post. Crazy, isn't it?

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Pulled Muscle

I've been reading about muscle injuries. It seems that sometimes when you injure a muscle, you know right away. But with many low-impact injuries, you may not feel any pain until hours or even days later.

A little over a week ago, my wife was ironing cloths. I had nothing better to do at that moment, so I was there with her chatting.

I was on my back on the bed, with my legs hanging off the edge. I started lifting my legs, tensing up my abdomen. Silly, I know, but it's more exercise than my abs usually get. This lasted 5 minutes, tops.

A couple of days later, I noticed a slight pain in my left inner thigh. I ignored it.

The next day, there was so much pain that I started looking for tick bites. I checked the whole area... no bites, cuts, or burns. I even counted. There were still two.^*

Eventually I figured out the embarrassing truth. While laying on a nice comfy mattress, I stretched out my legs and gave myself a groin pull.

I had no idea I need to do warm-up stretches before I stretch.

One of these days I'm going to hurt myself while breathing. I just know it.

^*What? I was talking about hamstrings. Perv.

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CPR Class

I got an email at work announcing CPR classes.

I'm not sure why the company decided to offer these. We all have low-impact office jobs, so maybe there's been an outbreak of people choking on Twinkie's.

It reminded me of a story I heard about my dad. He may choose to defend his honor if I get too many details wrong, but here goes:

When my dad was 10-ish, he and a school buddy took CPR classes. They were very proud of themselves, with a constant stream of bravado flowing between them. "If somebody chokes, *I'm* gonna save them!" "No you won't, 'cause *I'll* save them first!"

It happened that fairly soon after the classes, the family took a day trip and invited dad's little friend to come with them. Dad and his buddy stood in the middle of a big crowd of people, still chattering at each other about all the lives they would save.

A woman in front of them fainted and fell backwards.

Dad and his little friend stepped to either side. The woman crashed down between them. They both looked down at her, and then took off running.

I decided not to attend my company's CPR classes. I've heard what responsibility can do to a man.

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