Crane Kicked

OoRah looked out the window near my desk. "Hey! The crane is gone!"

(brief aside: There's been a construction crane outside that window for a couple of weeks)

OoRah was obviously in a silly mood. "Where did the crane go?"

I decided OoRah was old enough to know the truth. "Well, I wasn't going to tell you because I knew you'd be upset." I gave a brief pause for dramatic effect. "The crane died."

This caught him off guard, but after a couple of quick blinks he recovered admirably. "How can you tell if a crane dies?"

"Your desk is too far away, but I can hear the screams."

"Over the freight elevator?"

"Barely."

(There was a long, unblinking pause)

"I don't believe you."

The next time he's in a mood for one of these "all grown up" conversations, I'm gonna tell him the truth about Santa Claus.

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My Funniest Christmas Present This (Last) Year

I know, I know. It's a bit late for a Christmas story, but I think this one's worth it.

Christmas at my sister's house was quite fun this year. My niece and nephews are still young enough to go all giddy over their presents, but also old enough to be able to pass out the presents for other people. The air was full of flying wrapping paper, and the occasional thrown present. Chaos! Madness! Noise! It was perfect.

My niece came running up to me with a gift sack. "This one's for you!," and then she was off and running again.

Somebody asked, "Jeff, what did you get there?" Inexplicably, all eyes turned to me. I reached my hand into the gift sack and pulled out the tissue paper. There was nothing in the sack.

"Uh...", I confessed. "It appears to be empty."

I investigated the tissue paper as the laughter started. Nothing in there, either.

"I think I got a sack of nothing."

(Later, we found the gift that was supposed to be in that sack. It had fallen out in all the chaos.)

My niece also gave a memorable gift to my wife. It was a bottle of fancy lotion that had already been opened.

So, "Used Lotion" and "A Sack Of Nothing".

It was wonderful. :)

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The Funniest Grandpa Story I Know

In honor of my grandfather, I'm going to share the funniest story I have about him.


Last summer, my wife and I got to drop in on him un-announced. Grandpa was out in the yard, working on his tomato plants. He had 25-30 plants that he'd recently put in, and was putting up some wire cages around them.

Well, of course he was surprised and happy to see us. "Wow," I told him. "That's a lot of tomato plants!"

"Yeah," he agreed. He pointed at each plant individually. "That one's Alan, and that one's Bob, and Charlie, and Dutch, and Eleanor and Faye and ..."

Now, I've changed the names here because that's what I do in this blog. :) But every name he mentioned was somebody from our family. Siblings, Children, Grand-Children, Cousins ... All names that I know.

I wasn't quite sure what to think. "Really?..."

Grandpa just nodded. "I always name my tomato plants."

I *still* wasn't sure what to think. "Really?..."

Then he looked right at me. "But I never name one after you."

"Why don't you name one after me?", I asked.

"Every time I name a tomato plant after you, it dies."


Gardeners, take note. I just might be the reason your crops are failing.

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Happy New Year! 2012

See you next year!

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Jelly

Big Dawg was late coming into work one morning. His "Gonna be late" email simply said, "Laundry Catastrophe".

Turns out he had forgotten to do laundry the night before. So, he did laundry in the morning. When his nice clean clothes came out of the dryer, he put the full laundry basket in the middle of his living room. Then he dumped his entire breakfast plate into it.

Toast, eggs, and jelly. Apparently there was not even a single drop on the floor. Well done!

Naturally, this could not be ignored. My wife came home the next day with a jar of Jelly. "It's for Big Dawg," she said. She couldn't stop giggling.

I went to work and delivered our little "gift".



I know what you're thinking: That man has impeccable taste in drinking glasses. Oh, and you might also be wondering a bit about the sticky note. Let me zoom in on it...



"Keep away from clean laundry."

Wish him luck. :)

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Merry Christmas 2011!

From P-Ziddy, I present the most wonderful Christmas plus Star Wars picture I've ever seen!

It combines the best Christmas movie ever with Star Wars. I mean, honestly, how could it get any better?

You can click it for a bigger version, if you like.

Merry Christmas!


(Note: I may not be posting on a regular schedule next week. Try not to let it disrupt your lives too much, OK?

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Better Watch Out

Santa is not impressed
Naughty: Jeff
Nice: Carrot Top
Santa found your stash of "the good stuff"

Sung to the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." Lyrics by Jeff.


Oh, you'd better watch out
You know you can't hide
Santa can find you morning or night
Santa Claus is judging you all


He's got a big list
And to my surprise
Written under "nice" is only one guy
Santa Claus is judging you all


He TiVo's when you're sleeping
He'll watch that stuff all day
He's got a key to your front door
And he will not go away


Oh, you'd better watch out
You know you can't hide
Santa can find you morning or night
Santa Claus is judging you all!


Sleep lightly, friends. :)

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