Policy Addendum

I'm gonna need a bigger FIFO

For years, I've operated on a first in / first out "HeyJeff" policy.

As best I can, I deal with the ad-hock stuff that gets thrown at me, in the order in which it was thrown at me.

I'm thinking now that I need to allow for bribes.

I figure, why not? I give, you give, we both get something... what's the harm, right?

I figure, a HeyJeff that comes with a coffee offering is going to get priority over anything that came before it. A HeyJeff that comes with a cheap plastic McDonald's toy will be completed within the hour. A HeyJeff that comes with vague "I owe you" favors will be shuffled down to the bottom of the list. Hard currency only, so to speak.

Combining gifts is also acceptable.

I accept coffee, backrubs, chocolate candies, stickers, Lego... you get the idea.

It's short because I ran outta jokes. It happens.

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Revenge Of The Exercise Bike

Do not try this at home

Back in November of 2009, my wife and I bought an exercise bike. It's been used pretty frequently, but we've neglected the maintenance on it big time.

First it started making clicking noises. We ignored them. After a few months, it started squeaking. We ignored it. When the shaking started, I dug out the instruction manual. It talked about things we could do every so often to keep the bike in good running order. We ignored it.

A year and a half after buying the bike, the handlebars flapped side to side like wings. When my wife would ride it, I could hear the crashing noises outside. We had to re-arrange the living room to make sure no breakables were within the potential zone of destruction.

I finally broke down and grabbed a screwdriver.

Call me?...

The wireframe drawing in the instruction manual made the bike innards look like a rocket engine, but it was actually much less complex than I feared. The biggest problem was that I kept sitting on the screws I'd taken out. That Allen Wrench and I had a moment I'll never forget.

Once I got to the actual bike chain, it was pretty easy to tighten up. It was just two bolts, really. I pushed it pretty tight, figuring once every year and a half was a little too frequent for my tastes.

My wife got the on the bike when I was done. She stood on the peddles. They were as unmovable as granite. "What did you do?"

I got to take the bike apart again. At least the Allen Wrench was still warm.

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Early

I got a million of 'em!

An unexpected situation came up at work that required me to come in a little early. It's not as bad as it sounds, since I'm usually last-in and last-out. Still, it was an unexpected break from routine.

On my way into the office it occured to me that I might actually arrive before SpanFan (our earliest riser). I had it all figured out... she'd walk in and find me. She'd ask, "What are you doing here this early?" And my punchline reply would be, "I never left!"

Unfortunately, my plan was foiled. SpanFan beat me into the office.

"What are you doing here so early?", she asked.

"Failing at a good punchline," I replied.

I told SpanFan about my comedy's busted timing. She sympathy-laughed, which I thought was very kind. Then, Big Dawg (another early riser) wandered into the office.

Can I have a do-over?

He saw me and looked surprised. I waved and grinned sheepishly. There was an awkward pause.

SpanFan prodded me and said, "Use your punchline."

"I never left!", I shouted.

It wasn't exactly my finest moment, but it'll do.

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Animal House

I am NOT changing that diaper

There's been several stories in the Tulsa newspaper recently about a woman who keeps a disabled kangaroo (!?!) as a pet. The city council made a big deal out of the situation, trying to decide if she could keep it. Eventually they decided to make an exception for exotic animals that were incapable of harming anyone.

At the office, several of us were discussing the situation. Hilarity started to pour in from all sides.

Obviously, the conversation had already gone "weird". Buckle in and hold on to your armrests, because it's *all* downhill from here. :)

M16 kicked things off with, "So basically they're saying you can keep any animal as long as its handicapped?"

Grinning wickedly, LadyPatsFan was quick to jump in. "No, you have to say 'Handicapable'. It's a handicapable kangaroo."

M16 (ever the sensitive one) said, "Riiiight. So I can keep any animal as long as I cripple it first? I could have a pet Wildebeest as long as I break its back."

RUN! It's M16 with a leash!

There were laughs and gasping variations on, "Did he really just *say* that?!?". Then, for reasons unknown, somebody suggested doing the same thing to a rabbit.

"Wouldn't work," I pointed out. "If you break a rabbit's back, you don't have a pet. You have stew."

Somebody (either Maarek or OoRah) jumped in. "If handicapped ('Handicapable!' - LadyPatsFan) animals are OK, then I want a narcoleptic mountain lion!"

There were squeals of agreement. "As long as you can outrun him for a few minutes, he can't hurt anybody!"

Big Dawg joined the fray. "*My* mountain lion has A.D.D."

Inspiration struck me. "You know what a mountain lion with A.D.D. would look like?"

I pantomimed a mountain lion, about to swipe at somebody with his front paw. I even roared. Halfway through the motion, I got distracted by my own "paw" and just stared at it for a while.

Everybody else in the office roared, too. :)

Eventually, somebody threw out the easy-but-dependable joke, "That would make an excellent rock n' roll band name!". By the time we were done, our list of band names included "Handicapable Kangaroo", "Narcoleptic Mountain Lion", "Gorilla With a Hairlip", and "Tainted Rice".

My rice was "ew"

For the life of me I can't remember how Tainted Rice even found its way into the discussion. But I'm glad it did.

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Actual Customer Quotes

More than 10 years ago, I worked as a Technical Support agent for Creative Labs. I was one of the folks you talked to on the phone when you couldn't get your sound card to work.

I compiled a huge list of ACQ's (Actual Customer Quotes)... hilarious and/or dumb things that customers would say to us. I found that decade-old list recently, and I've whittled it down to a few of my favorites.


ACQ one-liners:

Typical -- "I deleted Windows 95 ... I didn't know I couldn't do that ..."

Final Authority -- "This is the last Packard Bell I'll ever buy. It's a decent machine, but their tech support sucks, and you have to have permission from Christ if you want to upgrade ..."

Not as much as one might think... -- "So, is there much snow skiing in Oklahoma?"

Consequences -- "The wages of sin is scandisk."

No comment -- "I went through all the poo-poo I was supposed to..."

Customer, talking to his slow-booting computer -- "C'mon, you pig, fly!"

Yup, pretty much -- "Windows can't scratch it's own [hinder] without building a driver information database."

"Thanks" would have been enough -- "Dude, if this works, I will come over there and kiss your [hinder]!... If this works, dude, you will be my man forever!...."


ACQ responses to agent questions:
(Us vs. Them format)

Us: Don't worry sir, it will come back.
Them: That's what they said about my first love.

Us: Ok, shut down the computer and reconnect the cd rom drive to your sound card...
Them: Ok, I've gotta put my Jock Strap on.

Us: "Windows 98.."
Them: "is a piece of junk!"


ACQ Agent Testimonies

I was talking with this guy, trying to get his 2x CD recognized. At one point he goes, "Shhhhh, hold on.... Whoops! I gotta go! Springer's on!" I just sat there blinking for a coupla seconds going, "Uh..." when he chuckles and says, "Just kidding."

(Normal techno-babble, then):
Customer: Sarah, honey, I'm on the phone.
(a few minutes later, "Sarah" comes back):
Customer: No, I'm still on the phone. I'm not ready yet.
(a few minutes later):
Customer: No! I told you I'm not ready yet! You see me sitting at the computer, with the phone in my hand. What part of this don't you understand? Go sit in the bathroom!

This last customer I talked to was a good ole' southern gal. She had just moved; In the process of moving, they lost the install disks. The following is a collection of words of wisdom she imparted to me:
"Lemmie tell you, if you ever move, take your stuff with you!"
"Aurthor-ized files verified." (authorized)
"You are your mother's son!"

Open the case to get the model number off the drive. While opening the case, I hear a child yelling in the background, something about the other kid hitting him/her. To which Mrs. xxxxxx replied, "Well hit 'em back."

I just got off this call where this guy would laugh hysterically at everything he said. Examples:
-- "I'm trying to make this cdrom work and it doesn't." Har har har har!
-- "I connected it to the secondary ide port." Ha ha ha ha!
It was a really annoying call. I even quit sympathy laughing pretty quickly.

I just had a guy call and, no joke, he was snoring! I tried and tried to wake him but he wouldn't wake up!


ACQ conversations

Them: "So where are you located?"
Us: "Oklahoma."
Them: "What part of Texas is that located in?"
Us: "Actually, we are located north of Texas."
Them: "So, Arizona?"
Us: "No sir, we are an independent state between Kansas and Texas."
Them: "Really, so you are close to the East coast. I thought you would be towards the west."

This customer was asking about the weather. I told him it was raining. Then he asked where I was. I said Oklahoma. Then I said:
Us: We really needed the rain.
Them: So the wheat will grow to an elephant's eye!
Us: (pause) Uh, yeah...
Them: I don't know why an elephant would want wheat in his eye, but whatever...

From a Customer Service agent:
Them: I can't get my sound card to work!
Us: Have you tried contacting tech support?
Them: Why the #### would I have to to call them?
Us: They would be the best ones to help you get your sound card up and running.
Them: *heavy sigh* OKAY. What's the number for Texaco?

Another from a Customer Service agent:
Them: Hello. I'm having a problem with my sound card.
Us: Okay, what sort of problem are you having?
Them: Well, I can't find it.
Us: Do you mean that your system is not detecting it?
Them: No, I mean I've lost it. I don't remember where I left it. Can I get a new one?
Us: A new sound card?
Them: Yeah, I still have the little disk thingy
Us: Okay.
Them: Can I get a new card?
Us: No.
Them: Can I just get the card?? I already have the disks.
Us: No.
Them: But they said I could just get the card.
Us: Who did?
Them: The computer people
Us: I'm sorry, we can't replace the card because you lost it. Please try to keep an eye on your hardware from now on.
Them: Fine. I'l buy a new one. Can I have a discount because I already have the software?
Us: I think you should talk to your local computer store about that.
Them: Really? Do they sell sound cards?
Us: Probably
Them: Can I get one that will work with my disk thingy?
Us: Sure, but I'd tell them the whole story.
Them: About losing my sound card?
Us: Yes. Thanks for calling.
Them: Sure. Thanks, you've been very helpful.

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Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

The "R" key on my office keyboard stopped working. Naturally, I was trying to spell "Arg..." at the time.

The irony (iony?) was so beautiful that I couldn't stop laughing. Big Dawg checked in on me. When I'm laughing like that, it either means there's hilarity to be shared or that I'm about to break down from the stress. Either way, it's good theater.

I told him about my missing "R" key. "That's teh-ible," he agreed.

One way or another, I shall get my point across

I told him, "Now I can't properly express my frustrations!"

Big Dawg pondered this for a moment. "Use 'Blah' or 'Meh'," he suggested.

It doesn't quite have the same ring as "Arrrrrggggghhhh....", but I guess I'll take any pot in a stom.

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He Never Noticed

I noticed several people steal this status from me, of course. :)


BONUS

My nephew says this is one of the funniest videos he ever "saw".

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