Brown Chicken Brown Cow

I've not traditionally been a Trace Adkins fan, although that may need to change. This Muppet-packed video is hilarious in all kinds of distressing ways. The Muppets in it are awesome. Did I mention it's got Muppets?

By the way, this video may cause kids of a certain age to start asking Bird/Bee questions. Or, Chicken/Cow questions, as the case may be.

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Your Table Is Not Ready

My wife and I went out to dinner with some out-of-town friends. We showed up early at the restaurant and got our names on the list. The lady at the hostess stand gave me one of those buzzer thingies and said it would be 20 minutes or so.

You will be seated at a time and place of *our* choosing, you helpless little diphthong

We walked outside to wait and the buzzer went off. Confused, I went back in.

The hostess instantly tried to herd me to a table. It took a few minutes before they figured out they'd buzzed the wrong group.

I went back outside to wait.

5 minutes later, the buzzer went off again. Our friends still hadn't shown up, so I was prepared to tell them to skip us for a while. "Oh, you're table's not ready," the hostess explained. "I just hit your button by mistake. Sorry!"

I went back outside to wait. Again.

The buzzer went off. I pushed my way back inside. The hostess said, "Would you like to take a menu outside with you while you wait?" She was giggling.

I went back outside to wait. Again.

Dance! Dance for your table! Dance until your shoes fall off, my helpless little puppet!

The buzzer went off. I pushed through the crowd yet again. The hostess made no attempt to disguise her motive. "I'm deliberately messing with you," she explained. "I have a bet with the manager. He thinks you'll break down and cry after another 10 minutes or so." She winked. "I think it'll be quicker than that."

I went back outside to wait. Our friends showed up. The next time the buzzer went off, I let the big guy in the group lead us in.

The hostess' eyes flashed with terror. "Right this way!", she squeaked. We were seated.

She and her manager both lost the bet that day, because neither of them figured my reaction would be "resort to violence".

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Chiropractor

Remember when I mentioned my most recent ailment? Turns out, the pain in my hinder is caused by three pinched nerves in my back.

I spent lots of time last week with a Chiropractor, getting my back "adjusted" (pounded mercilessly) and learning many things about "Posture" (I thought it was a special kind of Greek Salad).

Hulk Adjust L3 Vertebrae!

For most of the week the 'doc would push lightly on my back before going all "Incredible Hulk" on me and pushing so hard my stomach would punch through the table. On Thursday he changed the game plan a bit by putting me on my side.

"Now," he told me, "Let's move this leg over here and this arm over there and pull your foot up and grab your elbow and..."

When he was done I looked like a pretzel. "I'm gonna lean on you here," he explained. Then he more or less climbed up onto the table with me.

I was thinking, "Shouldn't I get dinner and a movie first?..." when the cracking noises started. My spine did a little rendition of the cannon blasts from Tchaikovski's 1812 Overture.

Apparently that's what needed to happen, because the doctor was grinning like a maniac. At least, I *hope* that's why he was grinning.

Wish me luck, the fun starts again today. How many weeks before I'm cured (or he kills me)? Place your bets!

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Stories From My Past: The Subtle Groomsman

These things don't vandalize themselves!

This happened back in college... I was the Best Man for a friend's wedding. Generally, events happened about as you'd expect them to. A group us were sitting at a table during the reception when a problem presented itself: No one had decorated the getaway car.

Several of the guys had brought along supplies for just such a need, but how could we get out to the parking lot without drawing attention to ourselves? Then, a glorious idea was born. We decided not to hide.

There were 6-8 of us at the table, including my old buddy Midnight Brewer. We all stood up at the same time and then marched single-file out of the reception hall. I could hear laughter behind us as we left.

We drew on the windows and attached streamers and all that good stuff. When we came back into the reception hall, we walked single-file back to our chairs and all sat down at the same time.

I proclaim innocence

Midnight Brewer went above and beyond, attaching a streamer of toilet paper to the heel of his shoe. Nobody will suspect what we've been up to. It was a nice touch.

The Groom came over to our table on our return. He leaned over Midnight Brewer and asked, "What are you guys up to?"

"Us? Nothing."

"I see that TP there on your shoe." Midnight Brewer didn't even look down. "We all went to the bathroom together. Perfectly normal."

Groom wasn't buying it. "You all went to the bathroom together, just like a crowd of women?" "Yes." "But you're not all women." "Thanks for noticing."

Despite heavy interrogation, we never admitted to our obvious crimes.

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You Never Call

Respect mah authority!

I was deep in the bowels of the office when I ran into two of my favorite people... "Large" and "In Charge".

Large spread his arms expansively. "Hey!", he roared. "It's Jeff!"

I acted hurt. "You never call!", I complained at him. "You never write!"

Large grinned. "Just like how my family treats me."

In Charge chuckled. "No one wants to talk to you."

That's good enough for me...

Large ignored him and kept speaking to me. "How are you doing down there in your fancy office? Eatin' girl scout cookies and looking out the window?"

I nodded. "I might even turn my computer on this afternoon."

In Charge chuckled again. "Must be nice."

Can I get some pink armor?

Large continued to ignore him. "Oh, are you going to play a little Halo this afternoon?"

"If the mood strikes me."

In Charge shook his head. "Man, I haven't played Halo in years!" Large acted like he didn't hear him.

Eventually we parted company. In Charge was trailing Large like a shadow, chattering endlessly. I'm not convinced that Large knew he was there.

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What's In A Name?

One day last week, most of the co-workers in my department went to lunch together. For some reason, names were being discussed. This reminded M16 of a story.

SILENCE!

"We had a programming class at my last job," he explained. "The instructor was named 'Mustafa', and he looked and sounded like a terrorist. We were all a little afraid of him."

We all laughed. "So," I pondered, "If you don't properly close your 'FOR' loop, the bomb might go off early?"

Everybody laughed again. Ah, nerd humor.

M16's story reminded me of another, so I shared it. "(former co-worker) Farmer used to work with a guy from India named 'Mahboob'. He said one day Mahboob was out of the office and a little old lady from another department came looking for him. She was angry about something, and when she encountered the empty desk she started shouting "Where's Mahboob? WHERE?!? Where's Mahboob?!?"

My hip hurts! Why?!?

If you don't get that joke, then say it out loud when no kids are around. :) Farmer said he was laughing too hard to give her a helpful reply.

After a while, the boss stood up. "Sorry," he said when he heard the groans. "Somebody's gotta end the party."

As our crowd of more than 20 left, a guy who was trying to come in got stuck holding the door for us. His eyes kept getting wider as more and more of us filed out. It was like clowns out of a rodeo car.

I need a TPS report, stat!

"Is there a fire?", he asked. "A small one," I replied.

"Yeah," agreed OoRah. "It was lit under my hinder when the boss stood up."

The less said about OoRah's hinder, the better.

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At The Movies

How many of you have heard of the band "School Gyrls"?

My wife and I went to the movies, and their song "Going to the mall" was playing over the Movie Tunes station before the previews started.

It's a bit repetitive (*cough* *understatement* *cough*). 20 seconds is all you really need to get the general idea. I'm sorry in advance for what this "song" will do to your nerves.



Less than a minute in my wife and I were digging fingernails into the armrests. "This isn't a song," I whined. "This is a melody-vacant abomination!" Around us, heads were nodding in agreement.

About three minutes in, despair had fully enveloped me. As the refrain "Goin' to the mall! Goin' to the mall!" wrapped around for about the 600'th time I loudly pondered, "Gee, I wonder where they're going?"

One teenage girl in the crowd glared at me like I was the devil. She appeared to be the only dissenter.

Don't touch my leg. Seriously. Don't make me call security.

Outside the theater was a life-size cut-out poster of Justin Bieber, advertising his "Never say Never" movie. When we went into our movie, there were two teenage girls standing on either side of him, one arm outstretched, trying to take a cell phone pic of the three of them.

As we left our movie, we passed a lady who was posing her two little girls next to the Bieb-inator. The littlest was probably 4 years old. As the mom steadied her camera, she told the little girl, "Put your arm around his leg."

The 4-year old looked over at Bieber and said, "Ew."

Smart kid. :)

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