Phone Home

I like her better than I like you

I accidentally left my phone at home one day last week. This shouldn't have been a big deal, because my phone almost never rings. You know what's coming next, don't you?

My wife discovered my forgotten phone when it rang. "Hello?" "Is Edwardo there? Tell him I've got the stuff." "I think you have a wrong number." "Are you sure? I need to tell Edwardo I got the stuff." "Uh... OK. I'll tell him." "Thanks."

A few minutes later, the phone rang again.

"Hello! I represent the Macadamia Nut Survey Company. I was wondering if we could get your thoughts about Macadamia nuts?" "Well, I think they're pretty nutty." "Thanks!"

Nutty

Over the next hour, my phone got 4 wrong numbers, 2 survey invitations and a little kiddo who cried when my wife told him, "No, your gramma's not here."

Eventually, the doorbell rang. It was a door-to-door salesman. "Hello, I represent the..."

My wife cut him off. "Whatever." She tossed my phone over to him. "Take this next call for me, will you?"

The salesman started to protest, but then my phone rang. "Uh... hello?" He listened intently for a moment. "Um... sure. Yeah, I can do that." He started to gain a little confidence. "We'll be happy to renew your subscription. Yes, you qualify for the discount. Hand delivery? Scented packaging? Sure, why not."

Please m'am... if I don't make this sale, I'll starve...

He handed the phone back to my wife. "I have no idea who that was," he confessed.

"Doesn't matter," my wife said. "Whatever it is you're selling, can I bill it to that idiot you just swindled?"

"I don't see how." "Too bad. Have a nice day."

When I got home, my phone had been turned off and the battery removed. "I didn't trust it not to ring," my wife explained.

I'm not allowed to remove the phone from my pocket anymore. I've been carrying it now, night and day, for 9 solid days.

It has yet to ring.