Happy New Year! 2012

See you next year!

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Jelly

Big Dawg was late coming into work one morning. His "Gonna be late" email simply said, "Laundry Catastrophe".

Turns out he had forgotten to do laundry the night before. So, he did laundry in the morning. When his nice clean clothes came out of the dryer, he put the full laundry basket in the middle of his living room. Then he dumped his entire breakfast plate into it.

Toast, eggs, and jelly. Apparently there was not even a single drop on the floor. Well done!

Naturally, this could not be ignored. My wife came home the next day with a jar of Jelly. "It's for Big Dawg," she said. She couldn't stop giggling.

I went to work and delivered our little "gift".



I know what you're thinking: That man has impeccable taste in drinking glasses. Oh, and you might also be wondering a bit about the sticky note. Let me zoom in on it...



"Keep away from clean laundry."

Wish him luck. :)

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Merry Christmas 2011!

From P-Ziddy, I present the most wonderful Christmas plus Star Wars picture I've ever seen!

It combines the best Christmas movie ever with Star Wars. I mean, honestly, how could it get any better?

You can click it for a bigger version, if you like.

Merry Christmas!


(Note: I may not be posting on a regular schedule next week. Try not to let it disrupt your lives too much, OK?

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Better Watch Out

Santa is not impressed
Naughty: Jeff
Nice: Carrot Top
Santa found your stash of "the good stuff"

Sung to the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." Lyrics by Jeff.


Oh, you'd better watch out
You know you can't hide
Santa can find you morning or night
Santa Claus is judging you all


He's got a big list
And to my surprise
Written under "nice" is only one guy
Santa Claus is judging you all


He TiVo's when you're sleeping
He'll watch that stuff all day
He's got a key to your front door
And he will not go away


Oh, you'd better watch out
You know you can't hide
Santa can find you morning or night
Santa Claus is judging you all!


Sleep lightly, friends. :)

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The Wandering Kitchen Sheers

Last week was our annual Office Chili Potluck, which doubles as a Christmas party. As usual, we had a Dirty Santa gift exchange!

There were lots of fun moments. M16 (a big Oklahoma State fan) got stolen from 4 times and nearly wound up with an OU Snuggie. LadyPatsFan got a "Jolly in the John" Snowman that sings a wonderful little parody of "Up on the Housetop" (Ho ho ho! Who's gotta go?).

Personally, I thought the funniest bits involved the Kitchen Sheers.

Our office Administrative Assistant is a wonderful grandmotherly lady who I'll call "A+". She opened up a package of kitchen sheers. She is, among other things, an amazing cook. She was genuinely happy to have the sheers.

A little while later, DepartmentHead stole the sheers from her.

Behind me, a gent I'll call "Legend" spoke up. "Hey, why does DepartmentHead's phone keep ringing?"

As we all laughed, A+ gave DepartmentHead a mock hurt look and picked another present. As she started to pry open the paper, Legend spoke up again. "Too bad she doesn't have anything to cut open that paper with."

A+'s second package turned out to be some nice little picture frames. Legend chimed in, "Sure would be nice if she had something she could use to trim down her pictures."

Late in the game, Legend's turn came up. He walked over to A+. "If I steal those frames from you, then you can go steal your kitchen sheers back." And that's exactly what they did.

Legend didn't actually want the frames, but he did get a pretty rockin' blog nickname out of the deal.

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It's Us vs. The Website

At work last week, LadyPatsFan killed the website.

Well, not *exactly* killed it. She pushed out a code change that behaved differently on the live website than it did on the test machines. It happens from time to time. It was a small outage, barely noticed, and fairly easy to fix.

The fun part was her reaction. This was the first time she'd managed to clobber the website, so she went into panic mode. None of the rest of us did.

LadyPatsFan: "It's Down It's Down It's Down What Do I Do It's Down It's Down What Do I Do..."

Jeff: (calmly, grinning) "Well, let's take a quick look at [techie details omitted]."

LadyPatsFan: "That Didn't Work And It's Down And That Didn't Work And Now What Do We Do It's Down It's Down..."

Big Dawg: (calmly, grinning) "OK, then all we need to do is [techie details omitted]."

LadyPatsFan: "I Can't Believe It Went Down I'm Never Touching This Again What Just Happened It's Down It's Down..."

While LadyPatsFan struggled to get her breathing under control, Big Dawg and I swapped old war stories.

"Remember that time Farmer came sprinting to my desk because he uploaded the wrong homepage?"

"Yeah... remember when I accidentally assigned my name to all the user accounts on the site?"

"Ha! Good times."

For the rest of the day, every time I walked past LadyPatsFan's desk I said "Hey there, Killer."

Ha! Good times.

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A Celebration Of Incompetence

Some days you just know *know* are going to be a struggle.

I was driving to work one morning, and found myself stuck in a line of slow-moving cars. I hadn't made it to the highway yet, so passing wasn't a realistic option. I could just make out the truck at the front... it was a plumber. I mentally dubbed him "Slow the Plumber", and waited for a break from Low-MPH Purgatory.

At an intersection, I decided to take a detour. It would take me a mile out of my way, but at least then I could cruise at a normal speed. I turned off onto a narrow two-lane road that was blocked by a tree service.

In the distance, I could hear Slow the Plumber laughing.

I finally made it into work. Ever since the Earbud Theft incident, I lock my desk drawers. So, I walked up and tried to take the keys out of my pocket. My hand got stuck.

If I let go of the keys, I could get my hand out. Grab keys = hand stuck. Apparently the story about a monkey with his hand stuck in a coconut is true.

I eventually got the keys out. The pocket turned inside out and there was a slight tearing noise, but I was victorious! Then I tried to take my jacket off, got an arm stuck, and fell over.

I stayed down. Eventually someone found me. "What are you doing down there?" "Trying to break the cycle," I explained.

Dang plumber.

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Christmas Tie

I'm very thankful that I don't have to dress up for my job. Business Casual for the win!

Even so, some days it's fun to wear a tie to work. I can usually freak out at least one person.

"Hey, why are you wearing a tie today?"
"No reason... say, is it 2 o'clock yet?"
"Almost, why?"
"No reason... I'll see you tomorrow! Probably."

I also have some Christmas ties that I rarely get to wear. This December, I decided to wear one every week, just for the fun of it.

I dusted off this little blue beauty (literally... it had dust on it).



Not bad, right? Then I put it on.



I don't remember how I obtained this tie, but it seems I was 6 years old at the time.

It saddens me that I apparently only outgrew it recently. *sigh*

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A Coffee-Stained Prize

A short one for your Friday enjoyment.

I was listening to the radio as I drove home from work one day. The DJ was talking about something and said, "We should make a contest out of this. The next caller who can tell me [whatever] will win a... hm... let's see..."

There was a brief pause as he rummaged around his desk. "What will the prize be? Oh! Here we go. I've got a new CD from... ack... spilled coffee..."

There was another pause.

"OK, so the next caller to do [thus n such] will win a new CD from the band [whatever]! It's got a coffee stain on it but it's OK."

I was tempted to call in, just so I could get a coffee-stained prize. :)

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Who Moved My Mug?

It was one of those "offload, then reload" moments. I dropped off my mug at the water fountain on the way to the bathroom.

When I came back to the water fountain, my mug was gone. I looked around for a minute, and found it over on a nearby counter.

Instantly, I knew who had played this harmless little joke on me. "Ah. Big Dawg moved my mug."

I filled up the mug and then went to see Big Dawg. I poured a little water on his desk. "There you go," I explained. "You deserve this."

Big Dawg's face showed honest bewilderment. "Why?" I began to doubt my assumption.

"You moved my mug, right?" "No..."

I was sunk and I knew it. Big Dawg was honestly as confused as he's ever been. There was a long awkward pause.

"I'll go get a paper towel."

As I wiped up the mess, Big Dawg quizzed me. "What happened?" While I explained the mystery of the mobile mug, OoRah came over to join the conversation. "So who moved your mug?", Big Dawg asked. I saw OoRah grin. "I have a suspect in mind," I said.

OoRah grinned wider. "Did you move my mug?" "Of course!", he happily replied.

OoRah prank'ed me, and I responded by pouring water on Big Dawg's desk.

Just another day in the life.

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The Terror Of Tiny Town

At Thanksgiving this year, one of my uncles asked if I'd ever seen The Terror Of Tiny Town. It's a 1938 B-Movie Western with an all-midget cast.

It was a little like the "are you hungry" conversation in My Big Fat Greek Wedding. ("Are you hungry?" "No." "OK, I'll fix you something to eat.") Before I knew what had happened, my uncle promised to mail me the DVD.

When the movie arrived, I knew I was in for something special. Just look at that cover! "Little Guys" on Shetland ponies? NOW it's a party!

I showed the DVD box to my wife and said, "Well, I guess we ought to watch it." She replied, "I'll be out Saturday morning, *you* can watch it then."

My wife is wise.

Check out this note on the back of the DVD box...

"... routinely cited as one of the strangest movies ever made." This is one of their big selling points. What could go wrong?



It was pretty special. Paper-thin plot! Horrendously bad acting! Forbidden love!

The ponies are the only things in the movie that are downsized for the cast. They are tiny cowboys with big attitudes in an over-sized world. Oh, and there's a lot of singing. It kinda hurts.

Thankfully, the movie is as short as its actors (just over an hour). If you enjoy watching awful B-Movies... well, even then this one will test you. :)

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Adventures In Decorating

It wouldn't surprise me at all to see this on a neighbor's house

I hung up my lights early this year, like I always do. I prefer to hang the lights in late October / early November, because I don't like freezing on the top of a ladder. Heck, one year I actually hung the lights in shorts and a t-shirt.

We tested the lights before putting them up. All worked. We tested the lights after they went up. They all worked.

Weeks passed. Thanksgiving passed. Time to turn on the lights for real! The inflatable Santa rose like the mighty Phoenix. The bulbs glowed. All was well. "We're done with the lights!", I declared.

A half hour later, my wife looked out out window and said a surprising word. She followed that up with, "Some of the lights are out."

Both of these died on me this year

We lost half a string of icicle lights. Right in the middle of a big run of lights around the gutter. Naturally, the section directly above the landscaping, which requires a tall ladder and some interesting acrobatics to get near. Swell.

I got that string of lights replaced. It was cold, but I dared not complain. All of the lights came on. "We're done with the lights!", I declared.

That very night, the lights came on. Santa rose from the ground, and then fell over again a half-hour later.

We fried my Santa.

The new Santa!

So, now we've replaced Santa. I usually put outlet covers on the ends of all the light strings, just as an extra precaution against water and ice (overkill, I know). I took one off and brought it inside.

"We're done with...", my wife began. I cut her off.

"No! Don't say that. We're not done until I put this outlet cover on the end of the last string of lights."

I put the cover in a box. I figure, if we're never actually *done* out there, then nothing else will pop.

Wish me luck.

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Happy Thanksgiving, 2011

Have a good long weekend! :)

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Colin And Brad I Love You

Colin Mochrie and Brad Sherwood (from Whose Line is it Anyway?) brought their improv comedy show back to Tulsa!

They were here in February of 2007, and I wrote up a review. The show was different this time, because, well, you know... improv.

I won't bother with an exhaustive review this time, because I have to tell you about LadyPatsFan. She and her husband were in the audience and GOT CALLED UP ON STAGE! It was pretty grand. They did a "game show" skit with the guys where they just moved their mouths and Colin / Brad supplied the voices.

LadyPatsFan's character was Penelope, a "Part-time Pilates Instructor and full-time alcoholic." They had her breaking out into song and dancing around in stumbling circles.

Her husband's character was a "Life Cheerleader" - cheering for people who feel down and need a boost. Colin started up a generic "rah! rah! rah!" cheer, which LadyPatsFan's husband illustrated by pumping one arm and otherwise standing perfectly still. He looked like he was pulling the horn on an 18-wheeler.

My duty was clear. I sent email to everybody in my office. On Monday, with any luck, everybody will be calling LadyPatsFan "Penelope." Also, everybody will be cheering with one arm.

Monday should be fun. :)

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Taking A Break

I've decided to take a break from writing for this blog for a little while. I'm gonna take a week off, maybe longer. I'll just kinda wait and see when inspiration hits again.

In the meantime, I may post an occasion forward from my email archive. Like today, for example. :)

--------------------
The truth about MEN

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

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