A Pretty Hat

P-Ziddy's four year-old walked up to him one morning when he was about to head out for the morning. She was carrying his ball cap.

"Here Daddy," she said. "Put on your hat."

We have a business casual workplace, unfortunately. "I can't Honey," he explained. "They won't let me wear the hat at work."

"Why not Daddy?"

"I don't know. I guess it's just not very pretty."

The four year-old was dejected. "Oh." She thought about it minute, and the slapped the hat down on P-Ziddy's head.

"There!", she shouted. "Tell them I said it's pretty!"

I'm not sure it's wise to argue with that kind of statement.

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A Better Oil Change

True story: There's an auto service place here in town where we've taken my car once. Only once, because not only did they take longer than they said and charge more than they said, but they also scratched the hood of my car. We opted not to go back.

Not too long ago, we got a flier in the mail from them. There was a coupon for 9 dollars off an oil change. "Really? What's their normal price?", I asked. My wife didn't know, so she called them.

"$40!", the guy on the phone happily replied.

At 9 dollars off, that price is *still* higher than any place else we've ever used. "You've got to be kidding!", my wife said.

"Oh, not at all," the guy insisted. "We know we can charge more because we give you a better oil change."

"Better?" "Absolutely!"

My wife was not convinced. "And will you scratch the hood of the car again?"

This made him pause a moment, but he rallied magnificently. "Absolutely! I mean no! Our oil changes are *better*!"

"That plus a buck 50 will buy a cup a coffee."

The guy faltered a bit. "But... our oil changes..."

"Are better. Yes, I've heard. Have a nice day."

I can get my hood scratched anywhere. No need to be overcharged for it.

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The Lime Ninja

LadyPatsFan and Big Dawg both share a love for Diet Lime Coca-Cola. Big Dawg was headed to his desk with a case of the green goodness when a generous / malicious idea popped into his head.

Big Dawg took one of his cans and snuck over to LadyPatsFan's desk. Big Dawg is a large fellow and does not sneak easily, but when the cause is just he can manage. He reached slowly over the partition wall and gently placed the can of soda just out of LadyPatsFan's line of sight.

The can went, "plink".

Big Dawg ran away. As I mentioned, Big Dawg is a large fellow. The "running away" part involved quite a bit of stomping, scuffing, and tripping. There was nothing subtle about the escape or the route. Godzilla would have been proud.

A few minutes later, LadyPatsFan came by with her open can of soda. She would have arrived sooner, but first she had to open her surprise-o-can and take a big swig because priorities.

"Was that you?..."

Big Dawg happily confessed. "That was me doing my super-sneaky ninja moves!"

"Ah," I said. "The Lime Ninja?"

"Yes!"

The Lime Ninja Delivery Service. Noisy, but full of lime!

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Christmas At The Office

Do you remember the stack of OSU cups that my niece and oldest nephew collected after the last football game we all went to?



Well, I took part of the stack that my wife and I brought home and turned them into a gift for all the other programmers at the office.



I was pretty excited about this. Partly because more than half of the programmers I work with are OSU fans and/or graduates. And partly because one in particular is a fan of that *other* university in Oklahoma. :)

I left the cups on everybody's desk one evening when I was the last to leave the office. When I came in, P-Ziddy and M16 were *still* giggling. "The fact that you gave K2 an OSU cup is the best Christmas present so far this year. Thanks!" It warmed my heart.

LadyPatsFan grinned viciously. "How much were those cups? I know they weren't expensive since they came from you."

Hurtful. Of course, I can't deny it... in fact I actually kinda used child labor to obtain the cups in the first place.

K2 couldn't resist a dig at me. "I couldn't help but notice that the 'Big 12 Champ' bit is dated LAST year."

I nodded. "Next year you can give me a souvenir Big 12 Championship cup. Granted, it'll be half red and half purple, but that's OK."

(The Oklahoma Sooners are co-champs, tied with the Kansas State Wildcats.)

K2 hung his head in shame. Mission accomplished!

Later that week our office had our annual Dirty Santa gift exchange. One guy opened up a pair of "Kobalt Blue Magnum Pliers."

A random joker in the office perked up. "Heeeeeeeey," he said, his voice full of suggestive overtones. "Is that the Kobalt Blue... [significant eyebrow waggle] ...Mmmmmag-num?"

There were many giggles. I replied, "Yeah, it's the one that's illegal in Utah."

"Excellent!"

And a good time was had by all. I'd hit you with a "See you next year!", but it *is* next year. I'm gonna have to work on my timing.

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Happy New Year, 2013!

Silly Ancient Mayans! What do they know? Ha!



See you next year!

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Munchkin

This is not exactly a normal blog post. :) If you are familiar with the game "Munchkin", then there's a good chance you will love this. If you know Munchkin and you've met my wife (I'm looking at you, P-Ziddy!), then there's a good chance you'll snork uncontrollably and embarrass yourself.

However, if you don't know Munchkin but still enjoy a story where I fail miserably (I'm looking at you, LadyPatsFan!), then there's a chance you'll like this story anyway.

Onward!

----------------------

I asked for (and received) "Munchkin Deluxe" as a Christmas present. I love this game. My wife has never played it. We sat down so I could show her how to play.

"There are hundreds of rules to the game," I explained. I got a frowny face in reply. "Don't worry, I'm here to help."

I placed a Teddy Bear on the table across from us so we'd have three players. "Really?," my wife asked. "Hey, we're dealing all the cards face up right now. It'll be fine." Three players, no fuss.

Round 1. I had a Dwarf card. "I'm a dwarf!", I told my wife. "Just like in Lord of the Rings." She looked skeptical.

The rest of my cards were a special kind of suck. I had monster cards. I had a +3 bonus to run away. I had curse cards. What I did not have was ANY card whatsoever that would enhance my character, or that could be used in combat.

In other words, I was a true level 1 with no hope of beating any monster in the game. I drew a "Level 4 Undead Horse".

I used the "+3 to Run Away" card. Teddy got a monster he couldn't beat, penalty was to lose 2 levels. But you can't go below level 1, so nothing happened. My wife drew a "Lose 1 level" curse card, but you can't go below level 1... so nothing happened.

"Well," I said. "Round 1, none of us moved. That was useless." The look on my wife's face said that she agreed.

Round 2. I drew a monster card. It was a "Level 1 Potted Plant".

This made my wife giggle. "A potted plant? You're supposed to fight a potted plant?"

"Oh, it gets better than that," I had to confess. "You have to be higher level than the monster to win. I have no modifiers, and no cards I can use in combat. I'm level 1, I tie the monster, therefore I lose."

"Wait. You mean you're fighting a potted plant... and you're losing?"

"Yes."

There was a pause, then a small grin. "This game's not so bad."

Around this time something amazing started to happen. My wife kept drawing complimentary cards. She got two "1-handed" swords, and then the special "Singing Dancing Sword" that doesn't require a hand to be useful. Therefore, she actually had three swords that she could use at the same time. She got the "Boots of Butt-Kicking". The "Spiky Knees". The "Wizard's Hat" (and she was a wizard). The "Really Impressive Title". The bonuses just kept coming.

By the time she was at level 5, her effective combat level was 22. "The toughest monster in this deck is level 20," I told her. "You can beat anything."

She grinned, faster this time. "I kinda like this game."

Naturally, she blasted her way up to level 10 and won the game. Teddy was at 6. I was at 2. "Do we keep going to see who gets second place?," she asked. "Sure, why not?" My wife took over playing for Teddy.

My luck finally turned. I marched up the board. Eventually, I was at level 9, and Teddy was level 8. Victory was in reach!

Teddy got the "Steal a Level" card. "Arg," I carefully explained. Teddy goes up to level 9, Jeff goes down to level 8.

My wife thought this was hilarious.

My next turn, nothing gained. But at Teddy's next turn...

He got the "Divine Intervention" card. It specifically says that all "Cleric" characters go up a level. It specifically states that if a cleric is level 9, he can win the game with this card.

Naturally, Teddy was a Cleric.

Even better, the last bit of text on the card says "If you win the game with this card, you are entitled to mercilessly mock the other players."

My wife picked up Teddy like a ventriloquist's dummy. She rocked his little head back and forth as if he was laughing at me. Then, she supplied a Teddy with a squeaky, cartoon-y voice.

"Ha! You suck!"

Later, when the mocking had died down a bit, my wife said "I like this game. Can we play again?"

She won the second game, too. *sigh*

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I Hate Your Hat

This Christmas I got to visit really young nephews on both sides of the family.

On my wife's side, Nephew is 2 years old. The announcement was made... "It's time to open presents!" We all gathered in the living room.

I put on my Santa hat. Nephew's eyes bugged out like a cartoon character. He pointed directly at me and started chanting, "Awf! Awf! Awf!"

I leaned down close to him. "What are you saying?" Nephew responded by grabbing the front brim of the hat (and my eyebrows) and yanking upward as hard as he could. "Awf! Awf! Awf!"

"He's saying 'Off'," my brother-in-law explained. "He hates hats. Hats of any kind. If you put on a hat, he'll just point and yell 'Off!' until you take it off."

Wow. But hey, the eyebrows will grow back.

A few days later, we had Christmas with my side of the family. The youngest nephew over there is 7 and a half months. He has a reputation as "That baby who never cries." In fact, most of the time he just giggles and waves his little arms around. I've heard the phrase, "That is the happiest baby I've ever seen," more times than I can count.

I put on my santa hat and leaned over so he could see me. "Hi buddy!", and I happily waved.

The "never cries" nephew started crying.

I took off the hat. He stopped crying. 2 seconds later, he giggled at me.

Maybe it's time to retire the hat. *sigh*

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