A Simple Conversation

I have weird friends.

===========================

V: I've been asked if we were fighting.

P-Ziddy: Yes. Horrible fight.

Love is...

V: P-Ziddy doesn't love me any longer.

P-Ziddy: Nope. Jeff is the object of all my affections now.

V: It's the coffee, isn't it?

P-Ziddy: Isn't it always?

V: Betrayed! Betrayed I tell you!

Jeff: I prolly shouldn't mention that I've switched to tea for the rest of this afternoon, then.

V: Ha. Serves you right for leaving me like that. Jeff doesn't love you any more.

P-Ziddy: I'm not sure he ever did. I think he just used me for my coffee.

V: It's a twisted love triangle, with coffee at the heart of it. Love, betrayal, suspense and a good cup of joe.

*giggle*

Jeff: If it were a book, I would read the heck out of it.

Jeff: At night. Twitching, unable to sleep.

V: All it needs is a few sticks with nails in to be a fabulous action thriller.

P-Ziddy: It'll be the movie of the week on A&E next month.

V: Lifetime. Too sappy for A&E. Not enough sticks with nails in.

P-Ziddy: Juan Valdez Kills Again.

V: It was the donkey all along. Do you think we've made the blog yet?

I will cut you, Pedro.

Jeff: Oh, I think we're all about to make the blog.

P-Ziddy: I'm not sure. He's been ignoring my blog contributions lately.

V: You betrayed him. He doesn't love you any more, or possibly ever, remember?

V: He's turned his affections to that Scruffy fellow, who offers him power tools and the opportunity to see what the local ER looks like.

===========================

I would, without hesitation or apology, gleefully watch a movie called "Juan Valdez Kills Again". Make this happen, Hollywood!

Read More

Your Argument Is Invalid

Sometimes P-Ziddy gets some odd whims. He sent me this pic, along with a caption.



"Optimus Prime is holding a Devil Ducky. Your argument is invalid."

There's just not much to say in response to unsolicited ducky. Except, perhaps, that "Unsolicited Ducky" might make a good name for a rock n' roll band.

Then...



P-Ziddy explained, "I added Godzilla to the mix. Godzilla makes everything awesomer."

It's really hard to argue with logic like that.

Read More

Tricky Foot

I got an email newsletter from my chiropractor. 7 minutes later, I was at his office, breathless.

Hulk Adjust L3 Vertebrae!

"It says you work on feet, also?!?"

See, my tricky foot has never really healed and has been getting worse. Time for a second opinion, sort of thing. He X-ray'd it and looked it over. "This bone is turned in, but it should be straight," he explained. "This one is pushed up instead of down, this one is left when it should be right." Then, he got to the best part.

"I can fix all of this."

He had me lay down on his little torture table. "Grab on with both hands," he instructed. "I'll be pulling pretty hard."

Then he grabbed my foot. "I'll adjust this bone first," he said while poking a seemingly random spot. Then, he grunted and yanked my foot back like he was trying to start a stubborn lawn mower. If I hadn't been holding on to the table, he would have thrown me into the wall. My foot nearly came off.

I said, "Ow." He said, "Ah, that's good."

Aw yeah.

He poked another random spot on my foot. "Now I'll adjust this one. Hold on!" I grabbed the table again. YANK, and again my foot nearly came off. "Ow," I said. "Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow! Ow." "Ah, that's good."

We did this 4 times.

Just like when he fixed my back, this will unfortunately take time. Three times a week for at least a couple of weeks, probably a month. If I still have a foot by then, I hope it feels better. Something tells me a peg-leg may be in my future.

Read More

Wrong Number

This is the start of something good

There's just something hysterical about persistent wrong numbers. My phone rang:

"Hello?"
"Is Charles there?"
"No, you have a wrong number."

That should have been the end of it, no big deal. Instead, a few minutes later my phone rang again.

"Hello?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I have a wrong number."
"Yes. And if you dial the same number again, you'll have a wrong number... again."

At this point, I was actually hoping to get another call. My misguided stalker did not disappoint.

Pants! Who needs them?

"Hello?"
"Are you sure this isn't Charles?"
"Well, I left my birth certificate at home, so I guess there *could* be some mistake."

The calls stopped. It's too bad, I had one more good reply ready.

"I've never been Charles before, but I'm willing to give it a try."

Oh well. Next time.

Read More

One Of My Christmas Presents

So, I ran out of stories this week, thought I'd share a pic of one of my Christmas presents this past year.



Yeah. Hurtful. A "power" screwdriver (how much power can it have with just two double-A's behind it?), and two packages of band-aids. For the anticipated injuries.

*sigh*

I'm already about half-way through the second box, too.

Read More

Squeaky Chair

[SCCCRREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAACCHH]

My office chair became noisy one day. I leaned back and [SCCCRREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAACCHH]. It was odd, because there was never a period that the chair made "little" squeakies. One day it was perfectly normal, and the next day my hinder-holder was squealing so loud that I couldn't hear the freight elevator.

So, I did the only thing I could. I called upon the talents of The Genius.

The Genius came to my office to see what he could do. I walked over to the chair. "Check this out," I said. I sat. I rocked back n' forth. The chair was silent.

"That's a good trick," The Genius nodded. He was grinning like a hyena. The Genius knows good theater when he sees it. "I hear chairs squeak like that all the time."

We agreed to hold off on doing anything until the chair acted up again. As he left the office, The Genius was chuckling. About an hour later, [SCCCRREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAACCHH]. "Sounds like one of the howling demons from the freight elevator is hurt!", somebody quipped. I sighed.

A few days later, The Genius came through on his way to the freight elevator. "How's that chair?", he asked. "Loud," I replied. "See?"

I rocked back n' forth. The chair was silent. "I think I may change your blog nickname to 'WD-40'," I told him. "Whatever works for you," The Genius replied.

The Genius got into the nearby freight elevator, and I kid you not, as he started to lower the door my chair said [SCCCRREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAACCHH]. "Hey!" I jumped up, waved my arms. "Come back over here!"

The Genius came back over. "It just did it again!" I sat down. Silence.

I think The Genius has a new nickname for me, too.

I'm now considering a different approach. I'm going to bring in some sawdust and metal shavings to try and make it louder.

Read More

Let It Snow

Last week we had our first snow chances of 2012. It was expected to be a very puny amount.

This didn't stop the rampant speculation and dreamy-eye'd wishful thinking, of course. "We're supposed to get a half an inch at most." "Maybe they're wrong... maybe it'll cover the whole ground!"

OoRah expressed doubt. "We'll probably just get a thin layer of ice."

I countered him. "I'm hoping for at least 8 inches, and a Yeti."

There was a brief stunned pause. Then OoRah slowly replied, "I think those are both unlikely."

I pressed on, undeterred. "Is it Yeti hunting season?"

OoRah gave this serious consideration. "Probably," he agreed. "Yeti are not specifically regulated by the Oklahoma Wildlife Department, so they'd fall under the heading of 'nuisance animals'. You know, like coyotes. Or neighbors."

I grinned. "Suddenly I have big plans tonight."

OoRah walked away. "Good luck with that."

C'mon, Yeti! Come at me!

Read More