The Illusion Of Wit

The great thing about writing in a blog is that I can pretend to have quick wit. Those who know me, know that this is an illusion. I'll give you an example.

Not too long ago, SWoaN walked by and said, "Wearing orange? You must be excited about the OSU girls basketball game tonight!"

She actually wasn't quite that verbose, but I wanted to save on exposition.

In any case, she completely surprised me. At that particular moment I couldn't have told you what color I was wearing without looking down. Big Dawg bailed me out. "If it's basketball, he doesn't know or care."

SWoaN nodded and looked at me. "So, you're just wearing orange because ...?"

I locked up. "... because... I ... uh ... like it?"

"Oh."

Now, here's how that conversation *could* have gone:

"So, you're just wearing orange because ...?"

Said with dramatic flair... "I wear orange frequently because it is a reflection of my very soul."

"Your soul?"

"Yes. My soul is orange. And also, cotton."

I tumble-dry my soul on low heat to avoid shrinkage.

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Panicking The Neighbors

We put down some weed killer / fertilizer a few weeks ago. Turns out, our timing was bad. The weather over the next few days wasn't hot enough to activate the "weed killing" bits, but the "fertilizer" bits were all good. Our yard looked like we were *trying* to grow weeds.

So, I went out Saturday morning with two goals. First was to burn off the dregs of last season's gas from our mower. Second was to bag up a couple of the worst areas of wildflower weed from our yard.

There was a lot more gas left in the mower than I thought. I wound up mowing the entire yard. The mower *still* isn't empty. Nobody's yard is even green yet, and the trash collectors won't start picking up yard waste for a couple of weeks. Holy buckets, what have I done?!?

My wife and I discussed the futility of my efforts for a few minutes. Then, Neighbor 1 stepped outside and nearly feinted.

"Whoa!", he gasped. "I had no idea!... Hadn't thought about... Er..." He started to run toward his garage. "I guess I need do my yard..."

We talked him down from his panic as best we could. "Jeff didn't intend to mow our whole yard, it just kinda happened." He looked at me like I was crazy. Insert your own joke here. :)

While we were talking, Neighbor 2 stepped outside and saw our yard. He yelped and ran inside before we could say anything to him. A few minutes later his garage door went up, and he raced out into his yard. He was pushing his mower with one hand and spraying from a bottle of weed killer with his other.

"I want to have a nice yard!", he shouted as he ran by. He was moving so fast, if he'd been on the street his mower would have left skid marks.

I'm all for encouraging / influencing good behavior in others, but this was a bit wacky. Even for me.

Speaking of influencing good behavior in others... I'm gonna buy a Tall Latte for myself today. I'm just sayin'. :)

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The Shredder - The Halftime Show

From my email archive:



The Shredder



A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.



"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"



"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.



"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."



Lesson: Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.



The Halftime Show

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Goons, Chickens, and Easter

My Personal Goon Squad

This story is better if you know the folks involved, but even so it should be at least moderately amusing. :)

I commented (OK, whined) to my buddy P-Ziddy about the line of people waiting for me at my desk one day last week. I said, "I need my own Goon Squad." P-Ziddy suggested a private police force, but I insisted on Goons.

"I want bulky Neanderthals with more weapons than teeth. Verbal skills discouraged."

Without hesitation, P-Ziddy replied, "Sorry, Metacow isn't available."

Redneck Moment

On our way to church one Sunday my wife and I drove past a house with a "Chickens for Sale" sign out front.

We could literally see cages of chickens in the front yard of the house. We don't go to church in Mayberry... this was just a standard city house.

"We could be real rednecks!", I shouted. "Whoo-whee! We got a chicken on the way to church today!"

I have no idea why she puts up with me. I wouldn't.

Easter Basket

In case you didn't notice, Easter's coming. Do your part to turn this into a crass consumer-driven gift giving holiday by picking up one of these for me:

Yes, that's a Batman (ish) Easter Basket. More or less. And yes, it's a real product.

You have your assignment, people. Don't worry about me winding up with more than one of them, either. It would not be a burden. :)

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Banana Card

My wife and I usually get our gas from Walmart. If you buy one of their gift cards, then the gas is 3 cents off per gallon.

Sometimes my wife will get a gift card for me so that I can quickly stop by on the way to or from work. Usually the gift cards are the generic Walmart blue. Sometimes I end up with "gas" cards that say "Happy Birthday" or "Merry Christmas."

Most recently, she handed me a card that appeared to have fruit on it. "Oh, a banana card," I said. A second later, I realized how stupid that sounded.

This is the card my wife handed me. It looked like bananas at first glance...



Why *wouldn't* Walmart have a banana card?

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The Wrong House?

My grandparents recently traveled from Oklahoma up to Missouri to attend a great-granddaughter's wedding.

HOW COOL IS THAT? Seriously... a great-granddaughter's wedding. That's amazing!

Anyway, they drove up to Missouri to meet up with my Aunt (their oldest daughter). The fun started when my Aunt called my mom and dad.

"Mom and Pop aren't here yet," she said. "Do you know where they are?"

My parents reassured her, "They should be arriving any time now. No, they haven't called us. Yes, I'm sure everything's fine."

15 minutes later, my grandparents called. "We're in Missouri, we've made it to your sister's house, but no one's home." "Well, why didn't you call her?" "Oh, I don't have her number."

Well, you've traveling across state lines to visit somebody... why would you need their phone number? "Did you knock on her door?" "Yeah, coupla' times." "OK, we'll call her."

Dad called my Aunt. "They say you're not home." "What?" There was a little back n' forth, which eventually concluded with, "Go out and see whose driveway they're parked in."

My Aunt walked outside. My grandparents were sitting there in her driveway. They'd been sitting there for the past 20 minutes, just waiting to be noticed.

Can you just imagine the excuse they nearly had to give? "Sorry, but we missed your wedding because we accidentally drove to the right house."

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True Love

My oldest nephew is 10 and he's in love. For purposes of this story I'll call them Romeo and Juliet.

Romeo had been telling his mom and gramma about Juliet for weeks. "She's my girlfriend!", he'd happily shout. Daily.

My sister was out shopping before Valentine's Day and saw a cute little "Be Mine" teddy bear. She bought it so that Romeo could give it to his sweet Juliet.

Valentine's Day came and went. Romeo hopped into the car after school that day and was asked, "Did you give Juliet her bear?" "Yeah!", he shouted, thrilled. "I think she might actually like me now!"

This was unexpected. "I thought she was your girlfriend?" "Well, I like her, but she didn't really know who I was."

Ah, Valentine's Day. A day for a young man to finally introduce himself to his long-time girlfriend.

About a week later, my sister was talking to him and asked, "So how are things with you and Juliet?" "Great!", he said, grinning wildly. "She wrote me a note!"

He took a folded-up piece of paper out of his pocket and handed it to her. It said, in cute flowery girl-writing, "I hate Romeo."

My sister blinked. "Uh, ... do you ... know what this says?"

"Yup!", he replied. "She hates you?" "Yeah, but she wrote me a note!"

Truly, his glass is half-full.

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