Short Christmas Stories 3: Retro, Songs

RETRO

My parents were digging through their Christmas supplies when they found this little gem. It seems that earlier in the decade, they bought this present for me. It got overlooked, and has sat in the back of a closet ever since.

So yes, literally, I got a Walkman for Christmas this year.

SONGS

My niece (7 years old) was teaching me how to sing "We wish you a Merry Christmas". Of course, Uncle Jeff rarely takes things seriously, so the song lyrics quickly mutated.

"We wish you a Merry Christmas, we WISH you a Merry Halloween, we WISH!!! you a Merry Thanksgiving, and a HAPPY ST PATRICK'S DAY!!!"

My grandmother laughed. "No Valentine's Day?", she asked.

"I was going to throw in a Kwanzaa joke, but I don't think she'd get it."

Grandma nodded. "Give her a few years."

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Short Christmas Stories 2: Shampoo, Kid Vids

SHAMPOO

So... uh... I got some shampoo n' stuff for Christmas.



"Anti-Monkey Butt". It includes Anti-Monkey Butt Powder, Anti-Monkey Butt Shampoo, Anti-Monkey Butt Body Wash, Anti-Monkey Butt Lotion, and Anti-Monkey Butt Wipes.

I didn't make any of that up. I'm morbidly curious about the wipes, but I dare not open the package to look.

KID VIDS

My sister showed us a video of my youngest nephew's Christmas program at school (he's three years old). He was up on a little stage with all the other pre-schoolers. He was wearing a Santa hat and facing backwards.

He climbed into my lap to watch the video. "Do yeh see 'dat man in 'da polka dots?", he asked me, pointing at the screen. "'Dat's me!", he proudly claimed.

In the video, he was wearing plaid.

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Short Christmas Stories 1: Beads, Damages

BEADS

My Father-In-Law loves to hot-glue beads to Christmas presents. Last year he beaded up a flat plastic ornament and put it on one of our presents. We kept it, and used it this year on one of his.

Despite the fact that he's the only one to ever hot-glue beads to anything, he didn't realize he was looking at his own creation. He leaned over to my Mother-In-Law and told her, "Oh, isn't that one pretty... we should save that one, it's so pretty..."

DAMAGES

After Christmas at my parent's house, my grandfather backed out of the driveway, slid across the street and backed over a neighbor's mailbox.

Instantly, Dad's phone started to ring. Grandpa didn't even notice what he'd done, but the rest of the neighborhood did. "Were you aware that your guest backed over that mailbox?" "Did you see that truck back over [name]'s mailbox?" "I think that guy ran over a mailbox!"

Frankly, I'm shocked it hasn't shown up on youtube yet.

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Phantom M&M Brownies

One day last week, I brought in brownies for the folks in the office. Then I sent everyone the following email:

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Before, during, or after lunch... you *need* a Phantom M&M brownie.

I should explain the name.

My wife and I mixed up the brownie mix as per the instructions. Then, as per our habit, we covered the top of the brownie mix with M&M's.

When we took the pan out of the oven, the M&M's were gone. This has not happened on any of our past experiences. We're at a bit of a loss.

Naturally, I tested one of the brownies. Turns out, the M&M's sunk down into the mix instead of forming a festive colorful layer on top.

So, if you find a slightly greenish lump inside your brownie, rest assured that I am NOT trying to kill you. It's just that some of the M&M's were green. The other colors blended into the brownies nicely, but green wanted to be noticed.

Enjoy!

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Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas and God Bless!

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It's Glass

My wife and I were at Target. We only needed a few items, but even so we went late in the day so the last-minute Christmas shoppers wouldn't trample us.

We got into the checkout line behind two foul-tempered evil little Christmas witches. Their faces looked like Cinderella's wicked step-mother... permanently annoyed at the constant incompetence of others. That, of course, included the checkout guy.

The checkout guy, for his part, looked like he'd been on shift for the last 6 weeks without a break. He was dead on his feet and was less than 5 minutes away from clocking out. We were all obstacles between him and quittin' time. We earned his wrath simply by existing.

He picked up an ornament that the twin crones were purchasing and dropped it into a bag. "HEY!!!", one of them shrieked. "I saw that! Wrap that one up! It's glass!"

The checker guy took the large ball-thing out of the plastic sack. It made dull hollow noises when he tapped it. It looked like a softball with a bird motif. It clearly would have bounced like a basketball if he'd dropped it.

"It's not glass," he insisted. "It's glass!", Foul Fiona shrilled. Checkout guy rolled his eyes, and carefully wrapped up Santa's special wishing ball.

They finally left, and it was our turn. Checkout Guy didn't look at us as if to say, "Thank goodness you two are the last ones for today." Instead, the look in his eyes seemed to say, "If I killed you I could knock off a couple of minutes early. Don't think I haven't considered it."

I decided he needed cheering up. "Be careful with that Charmin," I advised. "It's glass."

Turns out, so is my jaw.

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Note: This will be my last post before Christmas. Quit staring at the internet and go hug someone! Merry Christmas. :)

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Counting Calories

My wife and I were given a Coffee Cake for Christmas.



It's such a small lovely little lump of sugary whiz-bang! So cute!

Curious, we turned the box over to read the nutritional information. 250 calories per serving. Ouch.

I got a sudden sinking feeling. "How many servings does it think this little cake has?"

"Sixteen."

Sixteen?!? Yikes! So any one paper-thin slice of this stuff would take almost 15 minutes on the ol' exercise bike to burn off? That's frightening.

I opened up the box, and broke open the seal. There was a sweet, powerful, *gorgeous* smell of glucose and wheat. The button on my jeans instantly broke.

My wife screamed. "I can't be a part of this!" She ran to the bedroom and slammed the door behind her. A minute later, she opened the door, hung a small sign on the doorknob and slammed it again. The sign read, "Pilates in progress... do not disturb."

She didn't leave that room for 2 days.

Even with *my* crazy metabolism, I couldn't eat all of it. But it sure was tasty. :)

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