The Wandering Kitchen Sheers

Last week was our annual Office Chili Potluck, which doubles as a Christmas party. As usual, we had a Dirty Santa gift exchange!

There were lots of fun moments. M16 (a big Oklahoma State fan) got stolen from 4 times and nearly wound up with an OU Snuggie. LadyPatsFan got a "Jolly in the John" Snowman that sings a wonderful little parody of "Up on the Housetop" (Ho ho ho! Who's gotta go?).

Personally, I thought the funniest bits involved the Kitchen Sheers.

Our office Administrative Assistant is a wonderful grandmotherly lady who I'll call "A+". She opened up a package of kitchen sheers. She is, among other things, an amazing cook. She was genuinely happy to have the sheers.

A little while later, DepartmentHead stole the sheers from her.

Behind me, a gent I'll call "Legend" spoke up. "Hey, why does DepartmentHead's phone keep ringing?"

As we all laughed, A+ gave DepartmentHead a mock hurt look and picked another present. As she started to pry open the paper, Legend spoke up again. "Too bad she doesn't have anything to cut open that paper with."

A+'s second package turned out to be some nice little picture frames. Legend chimed in, "Sure would be nice if she had something she could use to trim down her pictures."

Late in the game, Legend's turn came up. He walked over to A+. "If I steal those frames from you, then you can go steal your kitchen sheers back." And that's exactly what they did.

Legend didn't actually want the frames, but he did get a pretty rockin' blog nickname out of the deal.

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It's Us vs. The Website

At work last week, LadyPatsFan killed the website.

Well, not *exactly* killed it. She pushed out a code change that behaved differently on the live website than it did on the test machines. It happens from time to time. It was a small outage, barely noticed, and fairly easy to fix.

The fun part was her reaction. This was the first time she'd managed to clobber the website, so she went into panic mode. None of the rest of us did.

LadyPatsFan: "It's Down It's Down It's Down What Do I Do It's Down It's Down What Do I Do..."

Jeff: (calmly, grinning) "Well, let's take a quick look at [techie details omitted]."

LadyPatsFan: "That Didn't Work And It's Down And That Didn't Work And Now What Do We Do It's Down It's Down..."

Big Dawg: (calmly, grinning) "OK, then all we need to do is [techie details omitted]."

LadyPatsFan: "I Can't Believe It Went Down I'm Never Touching This Again What Just Happened It's Down It's Down..."

While LadyPatsFan struggled to get her breathing under control, Big Dawg and I swapped old war stories.

"Remember that time Farmer came sprinting to my desk because he uploaded the wrong homepage?"

"Yeah... remember when I accidentally assigned my name to all the user accounts on the site?"

"Ha! Good times."

For the rest of the day, every time I walked past LadyPatsFan's desk I said "Hey there, Killer."

Ha! Good times.

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A Celebration Of Incompetence

Some days you just know *know* are going to be a struggle.

I was driving to work one morning, and found myself stuck in a line of slow-moving cars. I hadn't made it to the highway yet, so passing wasn't a realistic option. I could just make out the truck at the front... it was a plumber. I mentally dubbed him "Slow the Plumber", and waited for a break from Low-MPH Purgatory.

At an intersection, I decided to take a detour. It would take me a mile out of my way, but at least then I could cruise at a normal speed. I turned off onto a narrow two-lane road that was blocked by a tree service.

In the distance, I could hear Slow the Plumber laughing.

I finally made it into work. Ever since the Earbud Theft incident, I lock my desk drawers. So, I walked up and tried to take the keys out of my pocket. My hand got stuck.

If I let go of the keys, I could get my hand out. Grab keys = hand stuck. Apparently the story about a monkey with his hand stuck in a coconut is true.

I eventually got the keys out. The pocket turned inside out and there was a slight tearing noise, but I was victorious! Then I tried to take my jacket off, got an arm stuck, and fell over.

I stayed down. Eventually someone found me. "What are you doing down there?" "Trying to break the cycle," I explained.

Dang plumber.

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Christmas Tie

I'm very thankful that I don't have to dress up for my job. Business Casual for the win!

Even so, some days it's fun to wear a tie to work. I can usually freak out at least one person.

"Hey, why are you wearing a tie today?"
"No reason... say, is it 2 o'clock yet?"
"Almost, why?"
"No reason... I'll see you tomorrow! Probably."

I also have some Christmas ties that I rarely get to wear. This December, I decided to wear one every week, just for the fun of it.

I dusted off this little blue beauty (literally... it had dust on it).



Not bad, right? Then I put it on.



I don't remember how I obtained this tie, but it seems I was 6 years old at the time.

It saddens me that I apparently only outgrew it recently. *sigh*

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A Coffee-Stained Prize

A short one for your Friday enjoyment.

I was listening to the radio as I drove home from work one day. The DJ was talking about something and said, "We should make a contest out of this. The next caller who can tell me [whatever] will win a... hm... let's see..."

There was a brief pause as he rummaged around his desk. "What will the prize be? Oh! Here we go. I've got a new CD from... ack... spilled coffee..."

There was another pause.

"OK, so the next caller to do [thus n such] will win a new CD from the band [whatever]! It's got a coffee stain on it but it's OK."

I was tempted to call in, just so I could get a coffee-stained prize. :)

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Who Moved My Mug?

It was one of those "offload, then reload" moments. I dropped off my mug at the water fountain on the way to the bathroom.

When I came back to the water fountain, my mug was gone. I looked around for a minute, and found it over on a nearby counter.

Instantly, I knew who had played this harmless little joke on me. "Ah. Big Dawg moved my mug."

I filled up the mug and then went to see Big Dawg. I poured a little water on his desk. "There you go," I explained. "You deserve this."

Big Dawg's face showed honest bewilderment. "Why?" I began to doubt my assumption.

"You moved my mug, right?" "No..."

I was sunk and I knew it. Big Dawg was honestly as confused as he's ever been. There was a long awkward pause.

"I'll go get a paper towel."

As I wiped up the mess, Big Dawg quizzed me. "What happened?" While I explained the mystery of the mobile mug, OoRah came over to join the conversation. "So who moved your mug?", Big Dawg asked. I saw OoRah grin. "I have a suspect in mind," I said.

OoRah grinned wider. "Did you move my mug?" "Of course!", he happily replied.

OoRah prank'ed me, and I responded by pouring water on Big Dawg's desk.

Just another day in the life.

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The Terror Of Tiny Town

At Thanksgiving this year, one of my uncles asked if I'd ever seen The Terror Of Tiny Town. It's a 1938 B-Movie Western with an all-midget cast.

It was a little like the "are you hungry" conversation in My Big Fat Greek Wedding. ("Are you hungry?" "No." "OK, I'll fix you something to eat.") Before I knew what had happened, my uncle promised to mail me the DVD.

When the movie arrived, I knew I was in for something special. Just look at that cover! "Little Guys" on Shetland ponies? NOW it's a party!

I showed the DVD box to my wife and said, "Well, I guess we ought to watch it." She replied, "I'll be out Saturday morning, *you* can watch it then."

My wife is wise.

Check out this note on the back of the DVD box...

"... routinely cited as one of the strangest movies ever made." This is one of their big selling points. What could go wrong?



It was pretty special. Paper-thin plot! Horrendously bad acting! Forbidden love!

The ponies are the only things in the movie that are downsized for the cast. They are tiny cowboys with big attitudes in an over-sized world. Oh, and there's a lot of singing. It kinda hurts.

Thankfully, the movie is as short as its actors (just over an hour). If you enjoy watching awful B-Movies... well, even then this one will test you. :)

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