Research

From the email archive:
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Research confirms that drinking gives you the same benefits as yoga



Balasana
Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm.



Setu Bandha Sarvangasana
This position calms the brain and heals tired legs.



Marjayasana
Position stimulates the midriff area and the spinal column.



Halasana
Excellent for back pain and insomnia.



Dolphin
Excellent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms.



Salambhasana
Great exercise to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms.



Ananda Balasana
This position is great for massaging the hip area.



Malasana
This position, for ankles and back muscles.



Pigeon
Tones the body, and builds flexibility and helps get rid of 'stress'.

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The Thunder Rolls

We had some early-July rain last week. Actually, a lot of rain. One of those days a burst of thunder hit and then hung around for a while. It was so loud, it sounded like a cement truck rolling over and over down the street. It lasted 15-20 seconds.

A line popped into my head that I just had to share. So I mentioned it to P-Ziddy:

"OK, that was either thunder on Viagra, or I'm on the set of a Michael Bay movie."

P-Ziddy laughed and then asked, "Is there brief, bad dialog going on?"

"Yes," I replied. "OoRah *is* nearby, now that you mention it."

The best part was when I shared this story with OoRah. He laughed until he nearly cried. He didn't try to deny anything.

I have no punchline. Oh well.

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Monkey Squeezle Go Boom

So, who remembers the Monkey Squeezle story?



It's a cute little stress ball that P-Ziddy got for me. I took Little Squeezles to work, but he rarely got used as an actual stress relief device. Mostly, he was just decorative.

Last week I grabbed Little Squeezle and gave him an affectionate squish.



His head nearly exploded.

I was pretty shocked... especially when I pulled my hand back and the mighty bulge didn't go away.



There was only one thing to do, of course. I left him on my desk like that. It was 2 days before anyone noticed. Big Dawg and LadyPatsFan noticed within minutes of each other. When I pointed it out to OoRah, his eyes bugged out like a cartoon.

Poor Squeezle. He wound up being much more fun than I would have guessed, but it's time to put him out to pasture. :)

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Mayor Bartlett

I work in Downtown Tulsa, and I occasionally see semi-public figures wandering around. I didn't *technically* see Mayor Dewey Bartlett recently, but I was near him. I think.

I was chatting with WebSamurai when it happened. Three people came up behind me and walked past us. I saw the backsides of two men in business suits and a lady in a business dress. I didn't think anything of it.

When they were out of earshot WebSamurai said, "Was that Dewey Bartlett?"

I hadn't seen who the three were, and I said so. WebSamurai said, "I'm pretty sure that's who it was. His assistant was kinda cute, too."

I decided that P-Ziddy needed to know about this. P-Ziddy has a very strong opinion about politicians. If you are willing to put the (R) or the (D) next to your name, then you are worthy of a swift kick in the sock drawer. He's an equal-opportunity political hater. He was the obvious choice.

I sent him an Instant Message. The conversation went something like this:

Jeff: "A Brush With Greatness" (I knew this would get his curiosity up)
Jeff: I was chatting with a guy
Jeff: Dewey Bartlett walked by. (I knew this would make him gag)
Jeff: I'm calling it a brush with greatness, because the female aid walking along with him was HAWT.
P-Ziddy: That's just about as awesome as he'll ever get
P-Ziddy: And could explain the additional money he asked for
Jeff: Indeed.
P-Ziddy: Q) Purpose for Additional Funding?
A) Hot Personal Aid
APPROVED
Jeff: One of the few things (R) and (D) can agree on.
P-Ziddy: Indeed

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Mall And Movie

We went to the mall last weekend. We were in the women's department of a store when we were aggressively assisted by Shouting She-Thing.

"CAN I HELP YOU?!?"

My wife visibly jumped and I spun around with my hands up in a protective "I've-Heard-Of-Kung-Foo" crouch (I look really fierce when I do that). S.S.T. was literally running toward us. She looked like she was chasing down shoplifters.

We sent her away. A few minutes later we decided to use the restroom, which was in the same department. There was a quick THUMP THUMP THUMP of running feet and then, ...

"CAN I HELP YOU?!?"

"I no longer need to use your restroom," I replied. My wife glared at S.S.T. and said, "I bet you used to work at Best Buy."

Shaken, we decided to try the rest of the mall. As we passed by a store selling sunglasses, the lady inside was pulling down the cage door.

"Sorry!", she shouted. "I know it looks weird, but we're not closing!"

My wife and I stopped and stared. "If you're not closing," I asked, "Then why are you shutting and locking the door?"

She looked at me wide-eyed, like I'd caught her in a lie. She never answered the question.

We left the mall to see Toy Story 3 (great flick, by the way). The family in front of us had a kid with them.

"Two adults and a child for Toy Story at 2:50," she said. The guy behind the counter asked, "Would you rather see the 1:55 showing?"

She perked up. "Yes! What time is it now?" "Uh... it's 2:11."

I couldn't even see her face and I could see the look she was giving him. He quickly recanted his offer.

Another lady ran up and joined the threesome. They were clearly holding her place in line, so we let her pass. She approached the counter and said, "One adult and one child, please."

My wife and I blinked at each other. The lady didn't know that kiddo had a ticket already.

She stepped away with her tickets and then cut right back in front of us again. "Oh!", she wailed. "I didn't need this one!"

Once the confusion was sorted out, we finally stepped up to the counter. It was my moment.

"Two adults and one fictional kid for the 10:30 showing of Toy Story."

I shouldn't be allowed out in public.

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Happy

Happy 4th of Thing!



God Bless America. :)

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A Joke In Reserve

A couple of weeks ago, I read a most excellent joke. I don't remember the source, but some blogger was complaining about a particular noise, saying it sounded like a cross between Justin Bieber and a Vuvuzela.

The Vevuzela, for those who may not know, is a horn that South African fans bring to World Cup games. You get thousands of the dang things, all being blown at once, and it sounds like a few million angry bees are swarming. And it never stops.

Justin Beiber, of course, is far worse.

I call it a "Stealth Vovoozala" joke. You don't think it's going to be a South African horn joke, and then WHAMMO! Plus, "Vuvuzela" is a really fun word to say. You always get at least one onlooker who is scared that the word may not be appropriate in mixed company.

Even since then, I've been keeping that joke in reserve, ready to strike at a moment's notice. Conversation would naturally shift to some annoying noise, and then...

"Wow, that sounds like a cross between a fire alarm and a vazoozela!"

"Oh man, that sounds like a cross between cats mating and a vayvusalsa!"

"Yikes, that sounds like a cross between Rob Schneider's laugh and a Vuvuzaloid!"

The possibilities are endless. Unfortunately, "annoying noises" don't get mentioned in my circle of friends as often as you might think. Heck, you'd think "annoying noises" would get a shout-out every time I open my mouth.

And so here I sit, waiting for my most excellent semi-improve joke to bear wings and lash out into the world. Like a swarm of angry bees.

*sigh*

Thank goodness I don't have to spell "Vuvuzela" in conversation.

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