Emergency Preparedness

At P-Ziddy's office, they had an emergency preparedness drill. The tornado alert went up and everybody was herded down to an old vault that no one knows the combination to ("Hooray, we survived the apocalypse, but now we're trapped in a vault!").

Shortly after the drill, the following email went out:

Subject: Shelter-On-Site Needs

Please let us know if you have any special needs that we should consider in our shelter-on-site planning.

Examples of such needs would be difficulty standing for extended periods of time (which may require a chair) or diabetes (which may require special emergency food storage).

AND GREAT JOB ON THIS DRILL!

Minutes later, one of P-Ziddy's more direct superiors sent him the following private reply:

Subject: FW: Shelter-On-Site Needs

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT list beer as a "special emergency food storage."

It's like they *know* him.

Although, as Big Dawg pointed out, if they *really* knew him they'd already be checking the Shelter-On-Site area for active brewing kegs.

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LOLJeff - The Happiness Collection

Happy Friday. :)

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Parade Of Refills

My wife and I like McAlister's. It's an "in-between" place, where it's not fast food but you don't get your own waiter. When we need a refill, I usually have to carry glasses to the front and ask. This doesn't bother us any, it's just the way things work there.

Last time we went, we took Scruffy with us. I had no idea his presence would change the experience so much.

We all got our food and sat down. A random employee walked by. "Would you like a refill?" We hadn't even taken the paper off our straws yet.

Two bites into our sammiches another random employee came by. "Would anyone like any refills?"

Less than a minute later another McAli-dude walked by and took the cup out of my hands. "I'll refill that for you."

As he was walking away with my cup, another one walked by. "Anybody else?...", she asked. She sounded a little heartbroken. I guess she was looking forward to forcefully refilling a glass or two.

"Scruffy, I need a cardboard cutout of you," I said. "Next time we're here and dry, I'll set it out next to us. They seem to like serving you."

The aggressive McAli-dude returned with my glass. As he walked away, another one appeared from behind him. "Refills?", he hopefully asked.

It was kinda weird. Plus, now I've got this cardboard cutout of Scruffy that I don't know what to do with.

Hm... Ladies? ;)

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A Conversation With A Marine

And now, for your enjoyment, a conversation with a stubborn marine.

OoRah: "What do I need to do for [project]?"

Jeff: "Do it like this, [etc]"

OoRah: "But wouldn't it make more sense to... [etc]"

Jeff: "That doesn't matter. The job is to ... [and so on]"

OoRah: "But I've already done [progress report]"

Jeff: "That's nice. Undo it. They want [descriptive]."

(Sidebar... I'm giving orders to a marine. My time on this Earth is short.)

OoRah: "I think it would work better if...[etc]"

Jeff: "You are not the decision maker on this."

OoRah: "But it's a good idea. Surely you see that."

Jeff: "I am not the decision maker on this, either. And don't call me Shirley."

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Improv: Yes, And...

I read a book on Improv Comedy. One of the comedy exercises it described was called, "Yes, and..." Here's how it works.

One person makes a positive statement. "It was a beautiful day out today." The next person has to build on that with a statement that begins with "Yes, and...".

"Yes, and we all went out for a picnic." Eventually, somebody must introduce conflict into the scene. "Yes, and those storm clouds moved in very quickly." "Yes, and the sinkhole was tough to climb back out of." "Yes, and the pack of wild dogs was most unexpected." And so on.

I decided to create a couple of characters and have them do a "yes and" conversation. Up first is Will Glow, a cheerful elderly half-senile lava-lamp salesmen. His buddy in the conversation is a bitter middle-aged pet store owner named Montgomery Scat. They are discussing changes to mall security.

(Amusing note: When I brought up Google images the first search I typed in was, "Grinning Old Man". On the second page of results was a picture of Susan Boyle. Ouch!)

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M. Scat: Well, I hear the security guard is getting a raise.

W. Glow: Yep, and I heard he's gettin' an unstained uniform, too!

M. Scat: (rolling his eyes) Yes, and now he'll be just as frightening to thieves as one of my toy Pekingese.

W. Glow: (grinning happily) Yep, *and* they're gonna get him some working batteries for his flashlight!

M. Scat: Yes, and then he'll be as lit up as one of your lamps.

W. Glow: (nodding seriously) Yeah, and my customers will appreciate the extra glare.

M. Scat: Yes, and doesn't it worry you that the mall only has one security guard, a high-school dropout who thinks he's in a video game?

W. Glow: (sadly) Yeah, and I worry all the time that the Voidwalkers over in Sharper Image are gonna get him some day.

M. Scat: Yes, and ... wait. What? Voidwalkers? Seriously?

W. Glow: Yep, and I can't imagine goin' up against them with just a pistol.

M. Scat: Yes... and... uh... I think I'd rather be cleaning up Pekingese poop right about now. Have a nice day, Mr. Glow.

W. Glow: Yes, and have we met?

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Finally...

While thinking about the "Montgomery Scat" character, an idea popped into my head for an album cover:

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Who Touched It Last?

Every programming job has them. The projects that didn't go well for any of a variety of reasons. Sometimes, the project didn't go well for LOTS of a variety of reasons. And no one wants to be the poor sucker who has to go back to that code and update it when changes are needed.

In moments like those, we resort to an age-old honor-based system of code ownership known as, "Who touched it last?"

Recently a group of us (The Golfer, LadyPatsFan, Big Dawg and I) were discussing some necessary changes to one of our more convoluted projects. Every time Big Dawg would make a suggestion, he was careful to mention *who* would do what he was suggesting, because "I don't wanna be the one who touched it last!"

Vision-Impaired web site visitors were brought up. LadyPatsFan started to talk about the programs used to read web content out loud. Then she paused. "I just volunteered, didn't I?" Big Dawg grinned. "I am not going to confess any knowledge of such programs." Everyone looked at me. "I don't even speak English," I shrugged.

Big Dawg grinned like a maniac and thrust a finger toward me. "Spanish site! He volunteered!"

Hm. That sounds like the kind of thing that no quiero tocar por último.

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Human Events

At work, the topic of the Declaration of Independence came up. As you (probably) recall, it starts out:

"When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to ..."

LadyPatsFan, Big Dawg, OoRah and I all agreed that "When in the course of human events..." was an underused phrase that really should see the light of day more often. I pointed to the break room, where some folks from another department were having a meeting.

"When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to get a cup of coffee, no matter who may be having a meeting in the break room..."

Here are some more I came up with:

Mike Gundy: "When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to scream about my age on national TV..."

Elmer Fudd: "When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to kill da wabbit, ..."

Bob Barker: "When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to COME ON DOWN!!! ...."

Rhett Butler: "When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one man to severe ties with his lady love and confess that he does not, as a matter of course, give a damn, ..."

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