LOLJeff - The Happiness Collection

Happy Friday. :)

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Parade Of Refills

My wife and I like McAlister's. It's an "in-between" place, where it's not fast food but you don't get your own waiter. When we need a refill, I usually have to carry glasses to the front and ask. This doesn't bother us any, it's just the way things work there.

Last time we went, we took Scruffy with us. I had no idea his presence would change the experience so much.

We all got our food and sat down. A random employee walked by. "Would you like a refill?" We hadn't even taken the paper off our straws yet.

Two bites into our sammiches another random employee came by. "Would anyone like any refills?"

Less than a minute later another McAli-dude walked by and took the cup out of my hands. "I'll refill that for you."

As he was walking away with my cup, another one walked by. "Anybody else?...", she asked. She sounded a little heartbroken. I guess she was looking forward to forcefully refilling a glass or two.

"Scruffy, I need a cardboard cutout of you," I said. "Next time we're here and dry, I'll set it out next to us. They seem to like serving you."

The aggressive McAli-dude returned with my glass. As he walked away, another one appeared from behind him. "Refills?", he hopefully asked.

It was kinda weird. Plus, now I've got this cardboard cutout of Scruffy that I don't know what to do with.

Hm... Ladies? ;)

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A Conversation With A Marine

And now, for your enjoyment, a conversation with a stubborn marine.

OoRah: "What do I need to do for [project]?"

Jeff: "Do it like this, [etc]"

OoRah: "But wouldn't it make more sense to... [etc]"

Jeff: "That doesn't matter. The job is to ... [and so on]"

OoRah: "But I've already done [progress report]"

Jeff: "That's nice. Undo it. They want [descriptive]."

(Sidebar... I'm giving orders to a marine. My time on this Earth is short.)

OoRah: "I think it would work better if...[etc]"

Jeff: "You are not the decision maker on this."

OoRah: "But it's a good idea. Surely you see that."

Jeff: "I am not the decision maker on this, either. And don't call me Shirley."

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Improv: Yes, And...

I read a book on Improv Comedy. One of the comedy exercises it described was called, "Yes, and..." Here's how it works.

One person makes a positive statement. "It was a beautiful day out today." The next person has to build on that with a statement that begins with "Yes, and...".

"Yes, and we all went out for a picnic." Eventually, somebody must introduce conflict into the scene. "Yes, and those storm clouds moved in very quickly." "Yes, and the sinkhole was tough to climb back out of." "Yes, and the pack of wild dogs was most unexpected." And so on.

I decided to create a couple of characters and have them do a "yes and" conversation. Up first is Will Glow, a cheerful elderly half-senile lava-lamp salesmen. His buddy in the conversation is a bitter middle-aged pet store owner named Montgomery Scat. They are discussing changes to mall security.

(Amusing note: When I brought up Google images the first search I typed in was, "Grinning Old Man". On the second page of results was a picture of Susan Boyle. Ouch!)

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M. Scat: Well, I hear the security guard is getting a raise.

W. Glow: Yep, and I heard he's gettin' an unstained uniform, too!

M. Scat: (rolling his eyes) Yes, and now he'll be just as frightening to thieves as one of my toy Pekingese.

W. Glow: (grinning happily) Yep, *and* they're gonna get him some working batteries for his flashlight!

M. Scat: Yes, and then he'll be as lit up as one of your lamps.

W. Glow: (nodding seriously) Yeah, and my customers will appreciate the extra glare.

M. Scat: Yes, and doesn't it worry you that the mall only has one security guard, a high-school dropout who thinks he's in a video game?

W. Glow: (sadly) Yeah, and I worry all the time that the Voidwalkers over in Sharper Image are gonna get him some day.

M. Scat: Yes, and ... wait. What? Voidwalkers? Seriously?

W. Glow: Yep, and I can't imagine goin' up against them with just a pistol.

M. Scat: Yes... and... uh... I think I'd rather be cleaning up Pekingese poop right about now. Have a nice day, Mr. Glow.

W. Glow: Yes, and have we met?

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Finally...

While thinking about the "Montgomery Scat" character, an idea popped into my head for an album cover:

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Who Touched It Last?

Every programming job has them. The projects that didn't go well for any of a variety of reasons. Sometimes, the project didn't go well for LOTS of a variety of reasons. And no one wants to be the poor sucker who has to go back to that code and update it when changes are needed.

In moments like those, we resort to an age-old honor-based system of code ownership known as, "Who touched it last?"

Recently a group of us (The Golfer, LadyPatsFan, Big Dawg and I) were discussing some necessary changes to one of our more convoluted projects. Every time Big Dawg would make a suggestion, he was careful to mention *who* would do what he was suggesting, because "I don't wanna be the one who touched it last!"

Vision-Impaired web site visitors were brought up. LadyPatsFan started to talk about the programs used to read web content out loud. Then she paused. "I just volunteered, didn't I?" Big Dawg grinned. "I am not going to confess any knowledge of such programs." Everyone looked at me. "I don't even speak English," I shrugged.

Big Dawg grinned like a maniac and thrust a finger toward me. "Spanish site! He volunteered!"

Hm. That sounds like the kind of thing that no quiero tocar por último.

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Human Events

At work, the topic of the Declaration of Independence came up. As you (probably) recall, it starts out:

"When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to ..."

LadyPatsFan, Big Dawg, OoRah and I all agreed that "When in the course of human events..." was an underused phrase that really should see the light of day more often. I pointed to the break room, where some folks from another department were having a meeting.

"When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to get a cup of coffee, no matter who may be having a meeting in the break room..."

Here are some more I came up with:

Mike Gundy: "When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to scream about my age on national TV..."

Elmer Fudd: "When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to kill da wabbit, ..."

Bob Barker: "When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to COME ON DOWN!!! ...."

Rhett Butler: "When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one man to severe ties with his lady love and confess that he does not, as a matter of course, give a damn, ..."

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Eco-Wheel Of Fortune

So, last week the theme on Wheel Of Fortune was "Going Green". It was tame enough, but it did make me think a little. Depending on your point of view, this could be considered a borderline political issue. Game shows tend to avoid that kind of thing.

That got me thinking... what if Wheel Of Fortune went out of their minds and decided to embrace political controversy? "I'm Pat Sajak, and it's 'Liberal Agenda' week here on Wheel Of Fortune!"

A theme like that could be a lot of fun if they went out of their way to have conservative contestants. I imagine something like this:



Obviously, it would all end in violence. The episodes would have to be aired well after prime-time. Can't you just image, "Wheel Of Fortune: Dusk Dissension!" The ratings would be huge.

Sometimes I think I think too much.

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Saturday Shopping, GPS Brain, Blonde Password

Saturday Shopping

My wife and I went shopping on Saturday. Our goal was to pick up an outdoor table for our back porch and a nice lamp. We came home with flip-flops and a new computer.

Oops?

GPS on the brain

"Engineers develop enhanced vision; GPS tracking tech for your brain"

It's eye-tracking technology that is linked into GPS satellites and your cell phone. It can see what you're seeing and tell you information about it.

From the article...

"If the user closes their eyes for two seconds, a request is made for information about the object(s) in front of them."

"In an example of a real-life application, a person who bumps into an old friend on the street could recall their name and the date of their most recent encounter."

Yeah, that wouldn't be awkward at all. "Hi there, uh..." Then close your eyes for two seconds. Then wait for the auditory playback to tell you who this person is. Then, pop your eyes open and say, "Joe! Yeah, Joe! Haven't seen you since that... uh... thing..." Close your eyes for two more seconds. Then wait for the auditory playback. Then, pop your eyes back open to discover that Joe now thinks you're a Stepford Wife.

I'm all in favor of computers eliminating our human need to think, but we're not quite there yet. :)

Blonde Password

From the email archive:

During a recent password audit, our I.T. discovered a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

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Like A Caged Animal

Remember when I caged OoRah's giraffe?



This was back in early January. OoRah waited 4 months to retaliate... last week he used that plastic cup to cage a Batman toy on my desk.

I thought about waiting 4 months before striking again, but then an opportunity presented itself and I jumped on it.



I caged OoRah's mouse.

I think he'll notice this one faster than he noticed the giraffe. Although, with the pathetic lighting over his desk, you never know.

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Friday Grab Bag

I have a bunch of quick thoughts / stories for today.

Insane Giggles

Big Dawg was having a "Logic Is Hard" kind of day. Nothing was working, despite his best efforts. He asked his computer to do simple math and it rebooted. Despair was winning the fight.

Several of us were gathered around, trying to help. We all took a step back when the insane cackling giggles started, though.

OoRah spoke first. "I get the impression he's not 'ha-ha funny' laughing."

I said, "No, we're witnessing a breakdown. And not one of mine, either."

Everybody laughed.

I'm not sure how I should feel about that.

Rock On

This is from a conversation my wife and I had. I no longer remember the context, which just makes it even funnier to me.

"'Funky Elderly' would make a decent rock n' roll band name."

I wanna see a heavy metal version of the Jitterbug. Bonus points if the performers have blue hair.

Someday

My brother-in-law went to high school in the early 90's. Apparently his science textbook contained the phrase, "Somebody we'll put a man on the moon."

The moon landing was in 1969. Wow.

Act Casual

I'm a sucker for gas jokes, and this one is perfect on *so* many levels...

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Department Lunch

My fellow web programmers and I went to lunch last week. Olive Garden, of course. It's always interesting to see how much trouble our waiter has with our order. "Look, we all just want the soup / salad / bread thing, OK?" "Uh... OK... so that's... seven soup... eighteen salad... and you only wanted bread, right?"

I'm *still* waiting for my soup refill. Poor guy got confused and tried to bring me some bok choy instead. Sad, really.

Anyway, despite our efforts at conformity, LadyPatsFan felt the need to stand out. She ordered a diet soda while the rest of chose water.

"I can't drink water," LadyPatsFan confessed. "It gives me indigestion."

There was a moment of silence as we all considered this. Then, I spoke up. "I think you're doing it wrong."

I honestly didn't think it would get a big laugh, but Big Dawg nearly fell out of his chair.

Later, a salad bowl was passed around. OoRah, our former Marine, loaded up the salad tongs. When he released, the lettuce happily jumped off to the side and landed next to his plate. Not so much as a single croûton landed where it was supposed to.

"I can see you prefer grenades to rifles," I quipped.

We nearly lost Merrick. He was laughing, chewing and choking. He actually turned a little blue before he got it all under control again.

Out of respect for sentient life, I remained silent for the rest of the meal.

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Bear-Poop Coffee

So, we changed vending companies at work. The new vending folk provide something called "White Bear" coffee for the break room. I took a look at one of the bags.



I honestly don't know what is being depicted in that colorful scene, but I think the bear in the yellow-red circle is about to defile it.

Look out, below!

Giggling, I flipped the package over.



"Experience our liquid wisdom!" And it's in a bold font, because we all know wisdom is wiser at high volume.

I like the line over on the left side, "White Bear Coffee Co. knows coffee is personal, ..." Indeed it is. That's why we don't talk about coffee in polite company. People are prone to gossip.

I decided to try the coffee despite its unusual source. Turns out, Bear-Poop Coffee is quite good.

And I feel smrter already.

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Lamp Broke

My wife's favorite lamp is shining somewhere brightly in Heaven now.



(song inspired by our amazing friend "T")

This little light of mine, ain't gonna never shine.
Oh! This little light of mine, ain't gonna never shine!
It won't shine, it won't shine, it won't shine.

Hide it under a bushel? Yes! Ain't gonna never shine.
Oh! Hide it under a bushel? Yes! Ain't gonna never shine.
It won't shine, it won't shine, it won't shine.

Unplug or the sparks will fly, ain't gonna never shine.
Oh! Unplug or the sparks will fly, ain't gonna never shine.
It won't shine, it won't shine, it won't shine.

All dark in my neighborhood, ain't gonna never shine.
Oh! All dark in my neighborhood, ain't gonna never shine.
It won't shine, it won't shine, it won't shine.

Gather dust 'till the new one comes, ain't gonna never shine.
Oh! Gather dust 'till the new one comes, ain't gonna never shine.
It won't shine, it won't shine, it won't shine.

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